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Thread: Being strong-armed into taking his name

  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Bridezilla View Post
    I think it could be seen as such. The OP is saying she could deny her H2B the right to have his children bear his surname in any fashion unless he agrees to take her name double-barrelled with his own. These matters are usually reached by consensus and not as a result of saying 'if you don't take my name double barrelled with your own, then your children won't be having your name at all'. Simply double-barrelling the children and letting the OP and H2B keep their own names despite being married seems the most sensible solution.
    Agreed!!

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    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    I'm quite happy to double-barrel the children, but if we start at that and the in-laws kick off again then we'll end up in the same situation. At least if we start off with them taking my name (as we should have with G, from a negotiations point of view) then we have somewhere to negotiate with his parents.

    That said, if people dropped my part of the double-barrel in their childhood, I would be correcting them somewhat snippily.
    Fairy Gokmother

  3. #53
    Platinum Member mazgillies's Avatar
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    I always said I'd never give up my surname, EVER! But, after the sh*te I've put up with from my extended family (NOT my parents, I'd like to make that perfectly clear), I can't wait to get rid of it. If being catty and small minded is what it takes to be a Gillies then good riddance. I can't wait to join my h2b's family and will proudly take his name. For me, it's a fresh start.

    I've already changed my name. My current surname is my mothers maiden name after she left my biological father when I was 16 weeks old. I legally changed my name to Gillies on my birth certificate when I was 14 as I've never had anything to do with the 'sperm donor'. My mum re-married when I was 11 and I have to say, it was odd, really odd when I was at school and the teachers called her Mrs Gillies and she corrected them and told them her married name. I always felt like an outsider because I didn't want to change my name to my step-dads name (that would be 3 name changes by the time I was 11!!). Maybe that's another reason I'm adamant to change my name to my h2b's, I don't want a different name to my children.

    I dunno, there's no right and no wrong. Think I've been totally swayed by the crap being dished out by Auntie Gillies and cousin Gillies's. It's a tough thing to do, and a big decision. Do what you want babe, whatever is right for you, but G has to make the decision himself.

    Sorry for the rambling, think I'm mulling my own situation out in my head while I type!! xxxx

  4. #54
    Platinum Member mazgillies's Avatar
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    Having just read this thread again, I can see why you insisting the children have your name if you are both keeping your individual names, COULD be construed as bullying. However, having read what an a*sehole your future father in law is, I wouldn't want my kids having their surname either. What a t*sser! And there's feck all wrong with being a Jew. I'm not Jewish, but that made my blood boil!

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    Why are you putting up with all of this? I think you are putting yourself in a place where you are going to fall out with each other. I has been the done thing for hundreds of years that you take your husbands name when you wed. That kids take their fathers name when they are born. Why are you getting married? In Scotland if you live together for 5 years or more you are then equal in everything and entitled to half just like marriage.
    You are getting married to become a family and you can't agree on a surname and you have already said you want it in writing that your kids will take your surname. To me that says you don't trust him at this point in time.
    Why not just live together happily and if you are unmarried you have the right to put whatever name you like on your children's birth certificat and he can't do a thing to stop you.
    It has been the way af the ages that son's have children and pass on the surname to keep the bloodline going. If everyone now picks and chooses their names bloodlines will be lost.
    Does G have brothers? Maybe this is why his parents are a little upset? I wouldn't expect my brother or any son of mine to take his wifes name.
    I am sorry if you find me harsh, boring or old fashiond but when you have kids I think thay should have their dad's name.
    In this day in age where people are having kids to 2/3 or even more people and relationships are breaking down, in years to come people will end up on a tv chat show saying they are dating their sister or brother.
    In my oppinion taking your husbands name and kids taking their fathers name has worked so why fix what hasn't brocken?
    A wedding band replaced being tied to keep you there so are you wearing a wedding band? An engagemnet ring says you are promised to someone so is that also anti feministic? I could go on all night.
    Getting married 11th June 2011

  6. #56
    Platinum Member mazgillies's Avatar
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    Just because someone would rather keep their own name doesn't make a marriage any less real, and having legal papers drawn up is a normal part of marriage.....after all what is marriage paperwork? Legal documentation! A hell of a lot of men these days are asking for pre-nuptual agreements. And anyway, I'm totally with Special Sundae on this one, I wouldn't want my children to take the name of a prejudiced father in law like that! The double barreled surname was decided upon BEFORE he stuck his nose in.

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    I dont mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like its purely a vanity reason you don't want to take his surname. You got to remember you H2B has a choice too.

    If you are making yourself ill over this, then maybe you need to sit down with your H2B and find a solution to this is asap.

    Remember there are way more worse things going on in this life, and you have to thank yourself lucky you have found your H2B and you have the freedom to make decisions about your wedding (ignore any 'inputs' from family members, its YOUR day) and the rest of your life. If it means having a rubbish surname on your bank card, who cares?

    (so not meant in a harsh way, but I know you may take it like that)

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    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    Lisa, you can have your opinions, but it doesn't mean that they're right.

    Yes, I am wearing a diamond engagement ring... and so is he. What I think you're missing is that I don't object to choosing to follow tradition, I object to the total lack of choice for a woman that you seem to espouse. If you choose to follow traditions then it's your choice, but why shouldn't I choose not to?

    A marriage can be an equal partnership. Traditional gender roles isn't the only option these days.

    I don't see it as a vanity thing to refuse give up my name. All I ever asked was that he did the same as I do, to take on each other's names, not that he gave up his name. Why is it any more of a vanity thing for me not to take his name as it is for him not to take mine?
    Fairy Gokmother

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    Special Sundae have you talked to h2b about this yet? turning into more of a debate about what name to take - have you agreed to stick to original plan of double-barrelling?. If not keep your own names and give both to any kids which I think has been suggested?

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    Platinum Member mazgillies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    A marriage can be an equal partnership. Traditional gender roles isn't the only option these days.
    Am I missing something here? I always thought a marriage was an equal partnership?

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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    Lisa, you can have your opinions, but it doesn't mean that they're right.
    Lisa isn't any more 'wrong' than you (or I) are 'right' on any of the matters being discussed. Personally I think Lisa's opinions aren't as outmoded as you may suggest and that she speaks for a lot of women in society. It's just not that controversial to want the family unit all to have the same surname and she's just pointing out that there's a workable convention for picking that name.

    I am curious about your comment that marriage can be an equal partnership and wonder if you are reading too much into the significance of changing/ keeping your names as the case may be. Do you believe that the only way to ensure things are equal is to both become double-barrelled?

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    Quote Originally Posted by lanarkbride View Post
    but lisa seems to be saying, unless I am misunderstanding her, that you shouldn't be getting married unless you are going to take your husband's name?
    Yes I see what you mean. Nuts as that seems to me, I still think there will be lots of women who will agree with her.

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    SpecialSundae, I don't really have anything new to add to the debate that is currently raging on but I wanted to say that I hope you are feeling better about it all today and that you have had some time to speak to G. Weddings can be massively stressful events and it is always important to keep sight of why we are all getting married in the first place x
    ~ m xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by lisa View Post
    Why are you putting up with all of this? I think you are putting yourself in a place where you are going to fall out with each other. I has been the done thing for hundreds of years that you take your husbands name when you wed. That kids take their fathers name when they are born. Why are you getting married? In Scotland if you live together for 5 years or more you are then equal in everything and entitled to half just like marriage.
    You are getting married to become a family and you can't agree on a surname and you have already said you want it in writing that your kids will take your surname. To me that says you don't trust him at this point in time.
    Why not just live together happily and if you are unmarried you have the right to put whatever name you like on your children's birth certificat and he can't do a thing to stop you.
    It has been the way af the ages that son's have children and pass on the surname to keep the bloodline going. If everyone now picks and chooses their names bloodlines will be lost.
    Does G have brothers? Maybe this is why his parents are a little upset? I wouldn't expect my brother or any son of mine to take his wifes name.
    I am sorry if you find me harsh, boring or old fashiond but when you have kids I think thay should have their dad's name.
    In this day in age where people are having kids to 2/3 or even more people and relationships are breaking down, in years to come people will end up on a tv chat show saying they are dating their sister or brother.
    In my oppinion taking your husbands name and kids taking their fathers name has worked so why fix what hasn't brocken?
    A wedding band replaced being tied to keep you there so are you wearing a wedding band? An engagemnet ring says you are promised to someone so is that also anti feministic? I could go on all night.
    Just because something has been the 'done thing' for hundreds of years doesn't mean it has to be adhered to, and actually if you look into where the whole changing your name at marriage originates from there are several ways this is done in various places, for example "In Scotland, until the 20th century, married women kept their maiden names, but today the practice of changing to the husband's family name is the norm" - I think anyone can see that Special Sundae isn't one to follow the norm, and there is nothing right or wrong about that - I actually find it quite refreshing.

    To ask why she is getting married with regards to not changing her name seems a bit outrageous to me, I'm not changing my name - does that mean I love my H2B any less or have no intention to stay commited and have a family? I think the point is that they did agree how they would do things to suit them, but unfortunately now family oppinions have come in to play and thrown a spanner in the works - as happens with alot of wedding related things.

    In terms of keeping a bloodline going, why should it default to the male side of the family? My bloodline ends with me, which is why I plan to keep my name and its a decision we will most likely make together, which I think it what this thread started about. It's not about fixing what isn't broken, its about having a situation that suits you as a couple even if it isn't 'conventional'.

    When starting a marriage/family you should make choices together about what you want, most people like to follow the tradition of changing names etc, some people have already changed their names because they don't want to family association, some want to keep it because there is more to their name that there are to others, but I certainly wouldnt say that getting married is about changing your name and that not wanting to change you name means you dont want to get married.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Married_and_maiden_names
    Last edited by mackinnon.ka; 12-04-2011 at 09:36 AM. Reason: spelling mistakes, hoping I dont sound rude!
    ~*01/08/2011 was the most magical day of my life *~

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    Quote Originally Posted by gigglebert View Post
    SpecialSundae, I don't really have anything new to add to the debate that is currently raging on but I wanted to say that I hope you are feeling better about it all today and that you have had some time to speak to G. Weddings can be massively stressful events and it is always important to keep sight of why we are all getting married in the first place x
    Well said gigglebert! I think this thread may have become a full on debate about the rights and wrongs of feminism and marriage in general, when all SpecialSundae wanted was to have a rant and to ask our advice. If we can't come on here for some support, where can we go?

    I do hope you manage to get everything sorted SpecialSundae. Like gigglebert said, the most important thing to remember is that you love your H2B and that you're getting married to spend the rest of your lives together. Everything else is details and will eventually be sorted with some calm and sensible conversation.

    I hope things are better today.
    x

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Bridezilla View Post
    Yes I see what you mean. Nuts as that seems to me, I still think there will be lots of women who will agree with her.
    I'm not saying you shouldn't get married unless you take his name, I mean if it were me going through all this with my in laws/family I would be asking myself if I was doing the right thing becasuse we have been together for so many years I have the same rights as any married couple!

    I am sure the majority of women will agree with me that it is the done thing to take your husbands name and I personally am of the opinion there is nothing wrong with that! It has worked for years so go with it.

    I can see where his mother is coming from because she sounds just like my mother in law to be.

    At the end of the day it is the joint decision that you make that counts.
    Getting married 11th June 2011

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    Quote Originally Posted by lanarkbride View Post
    just to clarify I am not saying either that its old fashioned to take your husband's name, or that there is anything wrong with doing so, or that if you do so you are not a feminist. I suppose I was just trying to say that taking my husband's name is not what marriage is all about for me. Being a family can mean lots of things in this day and age and lots of families do not all share the same names for different reasons.

    I work in a very male dominated environment and for me changing my name would basically be giving a signal to my bosses that I intend to settle down and have children etc, rather than wanting to further my career. Being married is obviously not something I'm keeping a secret but I don't want my marital status to even come into their heads when they are thinking about me in terms of promotion etc so don't intend to change my name. Perhaps that is me over-analysing how changing your name is perceived and it will be different for other people depending on what you do for a living but that is how I see it. Also I happen to just quite like my name.

    Its not about not being 'proud' to take my husband's name or the name not being good enough for me or anything like that, and I suppose that it what bugs me a little - the implication that if you don't take your husband's name you are not loved up enough or something like that. But perhaps I am just being touchy!
    What about your children? will they have their fathers name or your name? I undrestand not wanting to change your name at work for the reason of reputation etc. I have a business in my full name that will not change but everything else will, my cards and accounts my passport and everything.
    Most families have different surnames as women have kids outside of marriage with different men and the kids all get their biological dads surname. I know there are a few others but that is surely the majority. My daughter has her dads name and when we are married we will all have the same second name.
    Getting married 11th June 2011

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    Just my two cents as there seems to be a very angry debate going on and I'm not wanting to be yelled at :-)

    I always wanted to keep my own name as I have a Polish name and I love it and my heritage. I will be taking my H2Bs name when we get married as quite simply it's a nice name and looks good with my first name. My current surname is becoming my middle name to remind me forevermore of the heritage i'm so proud of. If my H2B didnt have such a perfect surname I would be keeping mine.

    It's not a crime to keep your own name. It's what you have had your whole life so I don't blame people who want to keep theirs because they feel it suits better.

    It may be the 'done thing' to take your husbands surname... but that's just not for everyone. Each to their own, but you do what feels right for you.... as you don't want to be signing a name for the rest of your life that you don't feel belongs.

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    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    We sat down and had a chat. I think I'm really more upset by they way that his parents have been interfering, and the fear that they'll continue doing that, than by the name. I need to feel that he'll defend me when I'm being insulted and I don't at the moment.

    I don't mind what other people do, but I know what's right for me. He's thinking it over but knows how I feel.

    I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
    Fairy Gokmother

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    Don't think you offended anyone, it just got a bit off topic and became a debate about names rather than the real issue of the in laws. That's good you had a talk - so is he thinking about what to do with the names or how he'll stick up for you in future? Hope it went well and he was on your side

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    I'm really glad you got to the heart of what was bothering you and spoke to him about it. It can't have been easy but you need to feel protected and defended. I hope he starts to prove this to you and that things improve from here - keep us posted xx

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    Hope you get it sorted, the last thing you need is stress from others.....weddings are supposed to be really happy occasions but more often than not they end up stressing the bride out !!

    Keep us posted, and at the end of the day no matter what anyone else thinks, you have to do whats in your head & your heart.
    1st October 2010...the best day of my life....I married my best friend

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    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    He's thinking about what to do about the names. I'll just have to wait and see.

    I'm not sure what he's going to do about sticking up for me, but he knows how much it means to me.
    Fairy Gokmother

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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    The thing is that usually I'd just stand up to them, but if I do it at the moment then he'll just look even worse in his dad's eyes.

    That said when I said I was tempted to call his dad and give him a piece of my mind, G did just give me his dad's number and said "Go ahead". I think he'd like to see the shrapnel fly.
    I don't know if this will help to understand him or not - for many many years I was scared to stand up to my mum. We are close, but she is domineering, always has been and I could never stand up to her. So it's interesting to read that G said 'go ahead' when you suggested giving his dad a piece of your mind. The reason for this (as I see it) is that he didn't want to stand up to him himself, but would have been overjoyed for you to do it for him. I always wanted my ex-husband to stand up to my mum because I couldn't but he never did.

    I've now moved on to a place where I can (and do) stand up to her, but it took many years. But I always remember wanting other people to stand up to her for me, because I couldn't do it for myself. He can't stand up to his dad. Maybe he never will and I think you need to consider the fact that he never will.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aquamarine View Post
    Don't think you offended anyone, it just got a bit off topic and became a debate about names rather than the real issue of the in laws. That's good you had a talk - so is he thinking about what to do with the names or how he'll stick up for you in future? Hope it went well and he was on your side
    Hear, hear. Hope everything works out alright.

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