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Thread: Being strong-armed into taking his name

  1. #26
    Senior Member Scribblemouse's Avatar
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    I don't have any strong views on the right way to do things - change name, don't change name, double-barrel, new name entirely - because there is no right way. I just get angry when people feel like they have to do something, rather than wanting to do something.

    I'd agree with whoever's mentioned this - one or two people I think it was - in that you should wait until after the drama's calmed down, and talk about it amongst yourselves. Even waiting 'til after the wedding, if need be. There's no need to come to a final decision before the wedding, so maybe holding off for now would be for the best, to get a clear head on things and decide what you two want. Maybe just don't tell them what you plan to do - s'none of their business.

    Certainly don't let 'em push you around I don't know how I'd cope if my fiancÚ's family were acting like that (or my family, for that matter). I'd probably try to stay silent about it for ages, then finally explode. I hope things calm down soon so that you and your H2B can get on with things without all this extra stress in the background.


    I know what you mean about the food, though. I'm not keen on 'wedding food' - if it were all up to me, I'd have Japanese and Chinese! I might just try to get in some sushi starters if I can, and call it compromise

  2. #27
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    How is saying that any children that I carry in my womb should take my name bullying? If I don't take his name, which I can see no good reason that I should, why shouldn't the children take my name rather than his? Why is a man's surname automatically better than a woman's? My married name is my choice, not an automatic change. It's no more forcing something on them than giving them solely his name would be.

    We had agreed months ago that we were taking a double-barrelled name. We talked about it and were both excited at the prospect (we were even going to have matching marks on the soles of our shoes saying Mr H-H and Mrs H-H). Then suddenly his parents clamp down and it becomes an issue.

    While I don't like the way his name sounds with mine, if I didn't have so many issues with his father's appalling behaviour then I might not mind so much. G has his mother's maiden name as his forename so it's not like either of their surnames will disappear.
    Fairy Gokmother

  3. #28
    Senior Member Scribblemouse's Avatar
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    Woah! Who said that was bullying!? O_O

  4. #29
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    Sit down with your h2b and explain to him that you're hurt he's changing his mind on something you were both excited about just to please his parents. Hope he realises he shouldn't do what they want, you don't want all that starting where they basically get the final say.

  5. #30
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    Not you, Scribblemouse. I generally agree with what you say.
    Fairy Gokmother

  6. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scribblemouse View Post
    Woah! Who said that was bullying!? O_O
    I think it could be seen as such. The OP is saying she could deny her H2B the right to have his children bear his surname in any fashion unless he agrees to take her name double-barrelled with his own. These matters are usually reached by consensus and not as a result of saying 'if you don't take my name double barrelled with your own, then your children won't be having your name at all'. Simply double-barrelling the children and letting the OP and H2B keep their own names despite being married seems the most sensible solution.

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    How is saying that any children that I carry in my womb should take my name bullying? If I don't take his name, which I can see no good reason that I should, why shouldn't the children take my name rather than his? Why is a man's surname automatically better than a woman's? My married name is my choice, not an automatic change. It's no more forcing something on them than giving them solely his name would be.
    I never said it was better, but I don't agree with you not giving your husband a choice. After all it's his child too but by what you posted earlier, you are not going to give him that choice. Thats what I disagree with. And yes, I do think that if you say it's my way or the kids don't get your name then it's bullying, not feminist.
    1st October 2010...the best day of my life....I married my best friend

  8. #33
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aquamarine View Post
    Sit down with your h2b and explain to him that you're hurt he's changing his mind on something you were both excited about just to please his parents. Hope he realises he shouldn't do what they want, you don't want all that starting where they basically get the final say.
    I think you've pegged it. If it were him changing his mind alone I wouldn't mind, but it's always his dad wading in and insisting on things and I'm worried that's the way our life will continue.
    Fairy Gokmother

  9. #34
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Anderson View Post
    I never said it was better, but I don't agree with you not giving your husband a choice. After all it's his child too but by what you posted earlier, you are not going to give him that choice. Thats what I disagree with. And yes, I do think that if you say it's my way or the kids don't get your name then it's bullying, not feminist.
    I wouldn't mind if he weren't going back on a prior agreement because his parents say so. If he chooses their happiness over mine, then I think I'm fair in insisting that they take my name.

    Although to be honest, if he is going to continually just do whatever they say, there is part of me doubting that I want to go through with any of it.
    Fairy Gokmother

  10. #35
    Senior Member Scribblemouse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    Not you, Scribblemouse. I generally agree with what you say.
    Oh I know, it's alright, I just meant, what a way for someone to put it O_O

  11. #36
    Super Senior Member Lynz's Avatar
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    Is his parents say always been an issue in the relationship or only now you are getting married? I understand that everyone would always want to consider their parents feeling's, but they shouldn't get to call the shots anymore.

    Hope you and h2b figure it out x
    2nd September 2011

  12. #37
    Senior Member Scribblemouse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    I wouldn't mind if he weren't going back on a prior agreement because his parents say so. If he chooses their happiness over mine, then I think I'm fair in insisting that they take my name.

    Although to be honest, if he is going to continually just do whatever they say, there is part of me doubting that I want to go through with any of it.
    I'm sorry to say, but I think that would worry me a heck of a lot, too :-S I'd be worried at what else they might try to tell him to do.

  13. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    Although to be honest, if he is going to continually just do whatever they say, there is part of me doubting that I want to go through with any of it.
    Do you really mean that? You've always seemed so happy with him!

  14. #39
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scribblemouse View Post
    I'm sorry to say, but I think that would worry me a heck of a lot, too :-S I'd be worried at what else they might try to tell him to do.
    That's why I wanted it in writing that kids would take my name and would probably negotiate backwards from there to double-barrelled. His dad is awful. Really awful. He is Al Murray's pub landlord without the irony.

    I'm surprised they haven't overtly told him he shouldn't be marrying me, especially as his dad's first comment was along the lines of "Watch out, she looks like she has a bit of the Jew in her."

    Is it any wonder that I don't want to take that name?
    Fairy Gokmother

  15. #40
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Bridezilla View Post
    Do you really mean that? You've always seemed so happy with him!
    I am, but his parents make me so miserable and stressed and he just rolls over to most of their demands.
    Fairy Gokmother

  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    I'm surprised they haven't overtly told him he shouldn't be marrying me, especially as his dad's first comment was along the lines of "Watch out, she looks like she has a bit of the Jew in her."
    Thats an awful thing for them to say. What was your h2b's reply?
    Last edited by Mrs Anderson; 11-04-2011 at 05:34 PM. Reason: making it sound more sensible :-)
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  17. #42
    Senior Member Scribblemouse's Avatar
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    Good lord, I just want to give you a hug, it sounds terrible o_o

  18. #43
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    You don't just marry the man, you marry into the family too as I'm sure you know. If you really feel like he hasn't got your back 100% and that they're a tricky bunch then discuss it with him in a wider context rather than frame it round surnames for unborn babies at the moment. The alternative is to emigrate Worked for a few of my friends who love their spouses and hate their inlaws.

  19. #44
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    The thing is that usually I'd just stand up to them, but if I do it at the moment then he'll just look even worse in his dad's eyes.

    That said when I said I was tempted to call his dad and give him a piece of my mind, G did just give me his dad's number and said "Go ahead". I think he'd like to see the shrapnel fly.
    Fairy Gokmother

  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    Although to be honest, if he is going to continually just do whatever they say, there is part of me doubting that I want to go through with any of it.
    Wow. I think you need to tell him how you're feeling. This is clearly extremely important to you, regardless of what any of us think about surnames. If you're seriously considering not going through with the wedding, you need to have a big heart to heart with H2B, and soon. He should know all of this. I don't mean issue an ultimatum, but just talk, open and honest.

    I can't imagine he would let this get in the way of his life with you. It seems like he needs to stop being such a baby, and perhaps this will be the kick up the bum he's always needed.

    I don't blame you for not wanting the same surname as your FIL2B - he sounds like a delight.
    xx

  21. #46
    Super Senior Platinum Member SpecialSundae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Anderson View Post
    Thats an awful thing for them to say. What was your h2b's reply?
    I believe, as often happens, he just ignored him.
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  22. #47
    Super Senior Member mackinnon.ka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    I am, but his parents make me so miserable and stressed and he just rolls over to most of their demands.
    Could this be his coping mechanism? Some people just don't want the confrontation/ aggrevation so will just go with the flow rather than stand up for themselves.
    ~*01/08/2011 was the most magical day of my life *~

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    I think your h2b parents are completely out of line. It is YOUR and your partners day. H2b needs to maybe have a chat with his father and tell him this, they will get over it.

    I was unsure about losing my name as my father passed away and it is a reminder of him. I am also aware that it would mean a lot to my hubby to share a name, so rather then double barrel my name (sounds wierd) I am having my own surname as an extra middle name. Just thought it was a solution, however whatever works for you both. Don't let the parents in law come between you and your hubby, it is your day and you love each so sod their opinions Get your curry canapes ordered ASAP

  24. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by SpecialSundae View Post
    I believe, as often happens, he just ignored him.
    sorry but I think thats just making things worse. He needs to stand up to them. If that was my husband (or to be) and he just sat back i'd be going ballistic.....although I know a) my in-laws are not that vicious and b) my husband would have been down his dads throat before the sentence was finished.....no wonder you feel awful toward them. But your other half needs to remember you are going to be his wife, and if he sits back and says nothing, then he's saying thats an acceptable way to talk to you and it isn't......not in anyone's books !!

    i agree with the other posts though, you need to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling....otherwise it will end up going too far and there might be no way back
    1st October 2010...the best day of my life....I married my best friend

  25. #50
    Senior Member Scribblemouse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs Anderson View Post
    sorry but I think thats just making things worse. He needs to stand up to them. If that was my husband (or to be) and he just sat back i'd be going ballistic.....although I know a) my in-laws are not that vicious and b) my husband would have been down his dads throat before the sentence was finished.....no wonder you feel awful toward them. But your other half needs to remember you are going to be his wife, and if he sits back and says nothing, then he's saying thats an acceptable way to talk to you and it isn't......not in anyone's books !!

    i agree with the other posts though, you need to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling....otherwise it will end up going too far and there might be no way back
    I think so too, yeah. If not the specific name issue, the issue that his parents have with you. He has to stand up for you, himself, or they won't take him or you seriously. His silence says to them that he's not willing to fight.

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