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Thread: Do. Not. Want.

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Do. Not. Want.

    It's 3.30am and I've been trying to sleep for 3 hours but keep stressing bout my junior bridesmaids.

    L and C are friends of H2Bs family, they're like little sister's to him. They lost their mum to cancer when they were young and spent a lot of time with H2B's family. So of course I said we would include them in some sort of role for the wedding. Ushers, I was thinking ushers. Unfortunately the mouth said bridesmaids and that's what H2B passed on to his mum. I thought I was okay with it so I let it slide figuring I could fix it later. By the time I had a good think about it and realised that I really didn't want them to be bridesmaids, their mum had been told and thee was almost no way to back out.

    H2B's mum is paying for their dresses to be hand made and for shoes and things for them. We took them up to Oban to meet the dress maker and talk about designs, I also did a run through of how I am wearing my hair and make-up on the day. This did not go well. H2b's mum had not been communicating with the dressmaker so I was left looking like a right idiot because I wasn't sure if the dress fabric I had been sent a sample of was the final choice or not and I got all confused and flustered. On top of that when I was showing the girls (age 16 and 14) what I was doing with my hair and make-up they were constantly making comments like "Oh but you should do it like this instead." and "It would look better like this." Now I'm not a confident person and I don't know these girls well enough to have turned round and told them to shut it. It really got to me.

    I never wanted them as bridesmaids, they treat me like a complete idiot and the stress of the whole thing has made me double my anxiety meds and has given me heart palpitations. I want to demote them down to ushers.

    The wedding is 102 days away. I know I should have said something long before now but do you think, if I worded it right, that I could shift them over to being chief ushers instead?
    It really would mean a lot less stress in the run up to the wedding as I wouldn't be worrying about their hair and make-up and getting them ready and to the hotel in the morning (My chief bridesmaid and I are staying in the room the night before the wedding, my hubby and I will be in it the night after). And it would mean we actually have ushers as everyone we've asked so far (H2b's brothers, his oldest brothers fiancée and my brother) have all said they'd rather not.
    So much of this wedding has changed from how I imagined my dream wedding and I'm willing to let most of it go but this one thing is just upsetting me and causing me soo much stress that I really really want to change it. Do you think I still can?

  2. #2
    Super Senior Member meegs's Avatar
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    I totally feel your pain. I have ended up with a bridesmaid I didn't want due to a misunderstanding and felt like an idiot for leaving it soooo long!!! Would it be possible to suggest they act as ushers whilst still getting their dresses etc etc..... Also, you don't have to have them with you when it comes to dress, hair and make up etc etc.... Why not sit down and make a big list of what you need/want etc and then you are less likely to get caught off guard again. Be nice and say that you really need ushers and would appreciate if they could help you out in this department (possibly still keeping the bmaid title?)

    Hope this helps xx

  3. #3
    Super Senior Platinum Member Mrs McDermott's Avatar
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    Oh you poor girl. What a situation to find yourself in. You CAN change this situation around. I would definetly suggest that you try and talk this through with them without delay. Please dont let this go on any longer, this is not worth making yourself ill over. As you already have your chief bridesmaid, you could maybe let them know that ushers are an important part of the wedding party also and as you havent been able to organise ushers, then you think it would be much more helpful to you on the day if they were to take over this role. I really feel for you and i hope to god that you are able to get this sorted out. Again, please dont delay it. Be polite but very firm and make it clear to them that you have made this decision and if they still want to be part of the wedding party, then they will have to accept your decision. Also make sure that you have h2b at your side and that he backs up EVERYTHING that you say. Good luck huni. Let us know how you get on with this. Hugs for you. Mrs McD2b-x-
    Donna & Jim - 20th August 2011

    www.donna-and-jim.are.gettingmarried.co.uk

  4. #4
    Planning til my head pops
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    Make a point of saying that you're in desparate need of ushers, and it would be a massive help if they converted to ushers instead, as you need them more than the bridesmaids. I can see your dilemma but at the same time you don't want to upset the MIL and girls, but try to remember its YOUR wedding, and you need to have some things your way too, no matter who is paying for it.

  5. #5
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    OMG you poor thing. You've kind of had this forced on you eh?

    Why don't you get your H2B or Chief BM to say it, as you are obviously really worried about it and so it may not come out right. Get them to say:

    1) It's your wedding. You have decided on your hair, dress, make up etc and do not want to change it, so no more suggestions

    2) You want some special time with just you and Chief BM before the wedding. So if the girls are going to be BMs/ushers, they cannot get ready with you that morning.

    3) You really need some people to act as ushers, so if they want to be part of the wedding, they need to help you out with this. Sounds like they are very outspoken confident girls so will love ordering people about!

    I think if you make it clear that they need to back off, and that your MIL2B backs off, things will seem much clearer and easier.

    It is your day to be enjoyed, so if they are a bit put out it doesn't matter - at that age they will soon forget, whereas if you are not happy on your wedding day because of it you will remember that forever.

    Good luck!

  6. #6
    Super Senior Member tootsi4's Avatar
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    Are they your only bridesmaids? If they aren't then why not get your other bridesmaid to take them under their wing?

    I mean your H2B treats them as little sisters so maybe it means a lot to him to have them as bridesmaids. He did ask for them to be included after all. If they are like family to him and it is important to him then I would still keep them as the bridesmaids.

    They are only teenagers so they are probably quite excited. What you see as criticism is just them talking. If the hair and make up stresses you out don't take them with you.

  7. #7
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    Hello my dear,
    this is so tricky isnt it? i dont know if it is any consolation but in all likelihood they are not doing this on purpose, they are teenagers, they will behave like this about everything and to everyone, thats what teenagers do!
    I have a 13 year old as junior BM and although i dont regret it, she is a right royal pain in the backside, she couldnt say she like my dress, just said 'well i hope you dont smile like that on the day ...'
    you say you have 102 days to go, i would say that it is a bit late to change things now without running the risk of causing a big upset, but only you can decide.
    talk it over with H2B, tell him your concerns and anxiety and see what he says.
    If you do decide to keep them, then try and put their behaviour into perspective for your own sake. I just laugh about my junior BM now, i remember what i was like as a teenager, and i know that in the future she will have to deal with stroppy teenagers herself. Let others you trust know your concerns and try to keep them occupied and out of your hair on the day.
    Take care xx

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