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Thread: Mother & Stepmother Issues - a little bit lengthy

  1. #1
    Junior Member Helene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015

    Unhappy Mother & Stepmother Issues - a little bit lengthy

    I'm sorry that this is a bit lengthy, I just really need to speak about it...

    I'm getting married in May 2017 and I keep getting really upset about the planning of the whole wedding.
    We are going to be having a pagan wedding as that is who we are, everybody supports us for this decision.

    Sometimes I get the feeling though that my mum isn't really happy with this wedding or that she believes it is an actual wedding.
    It's like 50% of her is happy for us and helps come up with ideas and is there to listen some of the time when it comes to certain areas of the planning.
    But the other half of her is always unimpressed with our decisions and is always trying to make me feel upset about some of the ideas.

    • She keeps going on about how my cousin didn't have children at her wedding, except for the flower girls and bridesmaids, and says that it would be better for us to do the same. I have told her many times that we do want and are happy to have children at the wedding, but she just keeps going on about my cousins wedding.
    • She also keeps saying about how we are inviting too many people and that it is going to be too much for me.
      I have social phobia and yes being in large crowds can set me off to having an anxiety attack, but all of the people we are inviting are close family and friends. I am also in talks of trying to go back to therapy to help me with my social anxiety.
      In total it will be about 80 that we invite and I know that not all will turn up, but I'm now starting to worry that hardly any will turn up at all.

      I know my mum and dad are going to be feeling outnumbered and under pressure when it comes to the amount of people on my partners side, but I can't reduce the number any lower than I already have, which I've told my parents but I feel like they still won’t listen to me.
    • There are about 2 venues we are looking at right now, one in Kelso and the other in Berwick-upon-Tweed. With Kelso we wouldn't need a registrar as Scotland recognises pagan weddings as legal if the celebrant is registered.
      But if we get married in Berwick, we will need a registrar there - my mum keeps saying that I should just have the blessing (pagan wedding) here and then go down south (where my partners family live) and do the legal wedding there.
    • My mum also told me one time that my wedding doesn't feel like a "real" wedding but my sister's wedding will.

    I've tried to ignore what my mum has said because I know and understand that she has been fighting with her own health and infections in her knee and ankle - but I have noticed that when my sister talks about her wedding my mum is all smiles and gets excited, but then she seems really fed up when I try and talk to her (unless I mention the outfits that my sister or nieces & nephews will be wearing, then she gets excited).

    And that is only from my mother, we have also had remarks from my father & stepmother in-law as well

    • Recently they have told us that if we don't hurry up and choose a place before summer comes along there won’t be any more venues free and it will be our fault.
      We have already told them that we are currently thinking about the two places - but they keep on saying that we shouldn't waste anymore time...
    • Though the stepmother in-law knows that date of the wedding, she has told us that we need to send out save-the-date cards now otherwise she will be attending her cousins wedding and not ours...

    I hate feeling like this towards family members because even though they are causing frustration to the planning, they have been great by taking us to venues and places to help us.
    We know they want the best for us and worry that things will get too much for us or we will forget something, but jeez I kind of wish they wouldn't do it all around the same time...

  2. #2
    Super Senior Platinum Member MrsSneddonToBe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012


    Sorry to hear you're having a rough time with the planning! Unfortunately when it comes to weddings nothing is simple.
    For your mum I would remind her that while you're thankful for her help it is your wedding and whatever you and h2b decide will be final. If you want kids, a larger group and a specific venue then go for it. You should do what makes you happy and hopefully she accepts it. As for comparing you to your sister sometimes we get carried away when there are 2 or more weddings being organised. My sister is planning her wedding and at the venue stage my dad kept reminding her of my venue. How beautiful it was and how good service was. While I loved our venue I know she would never pick it as she obviously doesn't want to get married at the same place but he kept going on about my wedding until one night she ended up in tears as she felt she couldn't plan the day she wanted without it being compared. It's better now but maybe sit and talk to your mum and tell her how you feel about all of this? Sorry for the long reply! Lol xx

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013


    your step mother is a bit right, most venues have summer dates booked up years in advanced so I would check with both venues that your date is available if you are set on that date, tho dont send out save the dates as you don't have a venue lo
    as for your mother, im sorry she is being that way, weddings can bring out the worst in some people- try to ignore some of it and focus on or day x

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