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Thread: Not the Happiest Post

  1. #1
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    Default Not the Happiest Post

    Hi Ladies (and maybe Gents?!)

    Have been toying with the idea of writing this for a week or so - it's not the happiest topic and it's something I really don't want to come across as condescension...but nevertheless I thought it'd be cathartic to write.

    I've been reading this forum for a while and have been looking for ideas as to how to include my partner's mother in our wedding. She passed away from cancer 5 years ago, sadly before I got a chance to meet her. It's very important to me that she be represented in our wedding as she is (at least) half responsible for creating and raising the incredible man I'm due to marry.

    As I've been thinking about our June 2018 wedding, it didn't once occur to me that someone VERY close to me also wouldn't be there.

    On the evening of December 16th 2015, I got the devastating news that my mum had died. My poor dad had to call as she had collapsed suddenly at home and neither he, nor the paramedics were able to revive her. She was gone. My heart will never fully recover.

    I'm 25, and I still need my mum. She had horrific fashion sense, but she should be there with me when I choose my dress, when we have our first dance - she should be there laughing at how awkward we'll look (we can't even slow dance, it's appalling!!) I need her advice on how best to sew something in my custom Converse...

    There will now be two massive holes in our wedding day, two gaps at the top table. Two proud fathers attending without their beautiful women on their arms.

    No matter how opinionated, argumentative, difficult your mum, or mother in law is being when it comes to your wedding - please appreciate the fact that they'll be there. And if they can't be there and you're in a similar situation to me then my heart aches for you and please know that I'm thinking of you! xx

  2. #2
    Senior Member JRon's Avatar
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    Very well put! My husband's dad died when he was a teenager and I lost my own mum to cancer a few years before our wedding and my husband never got to meet her, nor did I meet his dad. We would have given anything for them to be there on the day whilst so many others moaned about their own parents involvement which drove me insane.

    It's very hard but despite those missing from your day, you will have a happy (if emotional) and very memorable day. Honour them in the way that feels right for you and know that they are there in your heart.


    Xx

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  3. #3
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    Hi JayElleCee

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I can imagine how you arefeeling just now as my mum died quite suddenly in October 2014, 5 months beforeI got married. I was 31, so more than capable of looking after myself but itwas still a major adjustment to not have my mum at the end of the phone tothrow ideas around. It felt so unfair to have to listen to people moan abouttheir mums when I would give anything to have mine back for even an hour.

    The run up to our wedding was a rollercoaster of emotions, Iwas so happy to be marrying my now hubby, but it was so hard to enjoy things whenit felt like my heart was in tatters. I was so worried I’d fall apart on theday and ruin it for my hubby. But it was totally fine. I walked down the aisleto one of my mums favourite songs, and I thought of her a few times during theday but there was so much going on there was no time to dwell on sad thoughts,you can’t help but be swept up in the happiness of a wedding. That’s what ourMums would want for us anyway!

    It may feel like your heart will never recover but I promiseit does heal with time. I don’t think it will ever be quite the same but it will bestronger for getting through one of the hardest losses you will ever have tocope with. Good luck and massive hugs

    xx

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  5. #5
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    Iím so sorry for your loss. I also didnít have my mum with me on mywedding day or to involve in the planning as Iíd lost her 4 years before tocancer.I was 31 but it was still aterrible loss and so sudden.I had somany moments in the run up and on the day where I missed her terribly.On the day I made sure I had some time withjust my new husband and I thought about her particularly then.You do get swept up in the happiness of theday when you are surrounded by people who love you.You will find the right way to honour bothyour mum and your husbands mum on the day.We mentioned her during our ceremony and my dad also mentioned herduring his speech.I wanted to make it ahappy remembrance of her.I also changedaround the second dance when traditionally parents would come back together andmade it a father daughter dance instead.

    I feel the same when I see peoplemoaning about parents and just think you should be happy they will be there butwhen you havenít experienced the loss of a parent it probably wouldnít even besomething you would think about.

    Take care of yourself and your dad xx

  6. #6
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    Hi Everyone,

    Thank you for your lovely responses - and sorry to hear there are others in a similar position to me.

    Hugs to everyone and happy planning! xxxxx

  7. #7
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    Sorry for your loss Jay, it must be a hard time for you both when it comes to family gatherings.
    Do you have any clothing or some form of fabric item that belonged to them both? How about having a love heart or a patch of that sewn in to your dress, you could have that photographed along side their pictures as a precious memory xxx


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  8. #8
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    So sorry for your loss hun!!

    I lost both grand parents who i was incredibly close to last year as well as my baby at the end of the year,so cant imagine how you are doing with your mum.

    Could you maybe light a candle for them at the beginning of the ceremony? with Pictures beside where you are getting married?xx

  9. #9
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    Very well said!
    I'm 22, planning my wedding for 2018 when I'll be 25 and my mum died suddenly when I was 16. It has been insanely tough so far and I can't imagine how it will be on the day. That aside, my auntie, MIL and Dad's girlfriend have all truly rallied to do their best for me, especially since none of those women have daughters! It has brought us all closer, and helped partially fill the hole that there is.
    As much as it is sad, it can also be a lovely chance to truly appreciate those you have around you.

  10. #10
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    Hey Ladies (and still maybe Gents)...

    Hope your planning is going well?

    Can't believe I'm updating this old post, but again just looking for some anonymous relief. It just shows how quickly things change...

    Since starting this thread, I've come to accept that my mum wont be there next year. She's not coming back, no matter how many times I dream she is or has. What I'm now struggling to come to terms with, is that my Dad probably wont be their either now.

    He was diagnosed with a terminal illness 2 months ago, and is unlikely to survive another 13 months.

    So once again, I'm broken, lost and planning a wedding I'm not looking forward to.

    (Man that was depressing!!)

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