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Thread: Feeling really unsettled

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
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    104

    Default Feeling really unsettled

    Hi,

    Ok so me & my OH have secured our date and venue few months ago now. Should be excited right!? I have asked my 2 bridesmaids to save the date, and they are desperate for us to share our news so they can announce it on fb. Hate feeling pressured into sharing all on social media! I dont like the limelight and the thought of all the attention, and all asking us questions details ect. It makes me nervous, have a history of anxiety, panic attacks....

    I really was soo excited to begin with. But then why am i still secretly googling other venues...?? well only viewed 2 venues, buy u emailed about 15 for prices ect. As its difficult to arrange to go to open days/viewings with my job. we have been together 6yrs and always said that we'd like today get married n church, as well felt other weddings there was 'something missing' turns out my OH is now dead against church (he has been reading up on religions, catholic, prodisant) we agreed to go to an abbey & chat to reverand then also go to chapel chat, then see how we both felt after. My OH didn't even want to go chat at Chapel. I was soo upset as he's knows that my local chapel is very close to my heart. I made my communion & confirmation there. Also have fond memories of my late grandmother there too.

    So in the end we both eventually agreed to just be married in the chosen venue, going against all that we thought we would have. I'm feeling slightly cheated. As he's saw how upset I was and how much it would mean to me. He's always said he'd marry me anywhere......I just know that this shouldn't be how you feel when you are just beginning to start planning your wedding day ......

    i hope this majes sense. Looking for advice...am I being selfish...or unreasonable...

    B x

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  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Glasgow
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    1,355

    Default

    This is really hard I think you need to explain how important the church is to you. Why is your h2b so against it? We got married in church because it was so important to me, there was no other option for me. My hubby is athiest/agnostic but agreed to marry in church, and now says that it made it feel a lot more special/important/official than other weddings we've attended (nothing against anyone else's choices, just personal to us). His dad was not very impressed (to say the least) but it wasn't his wedding lol. Have you thought of the option of an interfaith ceremony? It doesn't need to be religious at all, but is personalised to you like a humanist wedding would be. Difference being that a humanist or registrar can't have anything religious at all, but interfaith can be anything you want it to be with no restrictions. I think until you've resolved this you'll be feeling anxious about the whole day, as after all the ceremony is the most important bit! Good luck x

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Posts
    104

    Default

    Thanks for your reply. We always said, like u that it would be more special us being married n a church. After all weddings we have been to, many, so this is what I thought we'd naturally do. My h2b is protestant, but does believe in god, with life and all that's happened. He has been online researching exactly what being a Catholic means and what it would mean to be married I church. when we have our children, he doesn't like the church telling him how to raise his kids. By marrying n church he is saying he is abiding by this.....In his opinion. We are not practising our faiths now, but i also want my kids to choose there own faith as they grow up. I'm just not sure if I am feeling down because of h2b not wanting to marry n church or because my mum and dad were hoping I would be marrying n church because I'm the only daughter, and if mum cld do it again she would do it n church. My mum mentioned that dads concerned that im maybe just going along with h2b wishes and not thinking about mine. And it concerns him, if thats the case for the future. As dad said he would marry mum anywhere, he is protestant & mum catholic. They got married in a registrar, as mum was 4 months pregnant with me! And believed that priest wouldn't marry them. Im actually feeling quite torn. I don't know where to go from here. I love them all. Like you say the ceremony is most important part of it all. x

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  4. #4

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    Hi almostMrsMR, I am an Interfaith Celebrant and a supplier on this forum.

    Your situation is a difficult one, isn't it. I imagine that both you and your partner want to say things on your wedding day which feel true and honest (to each of you) and which reflect what is important to you both. A Catholic wedding does require you both to make commitments, and probably for your partner those words don't feel like an honest reflection of what he believes.

    I don't know which area you plan to get married in but there are some lovely options for holding your ceremony in a former church - for example the Macintosh Church in Glasgow, or Seton Collegiate Church in East Lothian. For both of these options your ceremony could be held by a Church of Scotland minister or a celebrant (e.g. humanist or interfaith), but it is unlikely that a Catholic priest would hold a ceremony there. As Siobhan points out most humanist celebrants will not allow you to include religious elements but an interfaith celebrant can create a really flexible ceremony which is non-religious or religious, or a mix of the two.

    As an example, you could include in your vows: "before God and with our family and friends as our witnesses, I almostMrsMR take you MrMR as my husband..." and he could say: "With our family and friends as our witnesses, I MrMR take you almostMrsMR as my wife..."

    There are many other ways in which the ceremony can be inclusive of those of any faith and those who hold no religious beliefs.

    Perhaps your partner would be willing to consider something where you could be married in a church building, where the beliefs of all your guests could be included and respected, and where he didn't feel under pressure to say anything that he didn't personally believe in.

    I hope you find a solution which makes you both feel happy with the ceremony.
    Jane
    jane@yourserviceinscotland.co.uk

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