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Thread: Arguing about wedding cost - advice please

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Arguing about wedding cost - advice please

    My fiance and I have just had a blazing row about the cost of our wedding.

    He thinks that spending £15k on a wedding is ridiculous and offensive. He says that I have lost sight of the idea of marriage and that I am a fantasist thinking that people like us should be spending that amount of money on a single day.

    We own our own home and both have good jobs and whilst we are not rolling in extra cash, we're certainly not struggling.

    I feel ill now. When we got engaged he told me he had £5k towards the wedding and told my mum I was to have whatever I wanted. I explained to him that my mum had £10k set aside for my wedding and assumed that £15k was our budget. We have had back and forth discussions about getting it down to £12k if we could, and I am trying.
    He now says that I didn't discuss a budget with him.

    I do, and have always, wanted a big family wedding (cousins and friends all included) and have always been open and up front about this in the 8 years we have been together.

    I have and continue to work hard at finding reasonably priced suppliers and venue, and have cut things I would have in an ideal world and am saving to contribute. I feel now he's thrown months of planning in my face.

    I feel almost blackmailed into compromising what I want after he told me I could have it. I know that I seem unreasonable and like a bridezilla, but there's something in me that can't understand why he won't let me have this one day. I'm not asking him to go into debt, or give anything up.

    Am I totally in the wrong? Do I need a reality check?
    Please help, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, I feel ashamed of myself.

  2. #2
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    Hi gstew,
    Please don't feel ashamed of yourself. It sounds to me like you are being perfectly reasonable; it's not like you're going out choosing the most expensive option of everything - you seem to be quite modest in your spending and are making sure you are getting good value from suppliers etc.
    Could it be that your fiancé doesn't feel included in the planning and is lashing out in this way because of that? Would sitting down and getting his opinion on things help things or make things worse do you think? You could maybe make suggestions without actually sharing the price and then when he has offered his ideas, move on to discuss cost when his mind is in wedding mode? Or maybe he could take responsibility for a specific part, like photographer or bands, and he'll see what is actually involved in choosing the best option (costs and all).

    It sounds like you definitely need to sit down and talk about budget. He possibly doesn't understand the costs involved in having a wedding so 15k sounds like a huge amount for one day, but it's the memories and the experience that you are paying for, the long term benefits, not just the one-day celebration.

    Under no circumstances should you feel ashamed. It is a very special day for you both and you are clearly just doing your best to make it as perfect as it can be. He will see that and when he does, he will love you even more for the hard work you have put in.

    xx

  3. #3
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    I have a budget of £10k and my h2b thinks that's too much. Men are so naive when it comes to weddings. I honestly think they believe it should cost no more than a night out with dinner and a macaroni pie from Harry Gow (Inverness thing) on the way home.
    If I were you I'd have a chat with him and confirm £5k is how much he'd like to spend then go on your merry way and accept your mums lovely offer of £10k.
    Weddings are bloody expensive as soon as you put the word wedding in front of anything. I'm lucky in that my h2b wants to know when and where to turn up - everything else is up to me so it's homemade bunting, later lanterns and wild lavender all the way ***55357;***56842;
    Hope you find a middle ground - wedding planning is anything but fun I've discovered!x

  4. #4
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    Thanks for the replies and support.

    The big wedding is not something he ever thought he would have and, like a lot of guys, he doesn't have a clue about what weddings cost.

    He's calmed down and apologised, I've agreed to keep a shared spreadsheet up to date with costs and to share quotes etc. Hopefully this will help... Until the next wobble!

    Thanks again x

  5. #5
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    I am so glad you have everything sorted ***8211; men just can***8217;t understand how something could cost that much. I had the same issues. I got round it by bringing him to every venue, and including him in all the emails to suppliers so he understood that that is just how much it costs. It***8217;s not you seeking out the most expensive thing. I think the tipping point was when we found our venue, which was over budget ,but one he wanted to see. It just hit him. If we want to have our special day somewhere we both feel relaxed and know this will be the place we can see ourselves getting married, the price just becomes a number you have to work with. Just keep him informed about the big spends and keep the little ones to yourself!! Hope that helps!


  6. #6
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    don't worry about it, our wedding ended up that price (including the honeymoon) but every so often mr hydro went mental about the price - which considering the costs were due to him and I wanted a small wedding abroad was unfair
    as it turns out he was quite happy about the costs for everything after I showed him other packages/places ec that were more expensive
    the real reason he was annoyed at the cost was his parents and sister making out I was spending too much and being silly so it might b others polluting his mind
    men just need to see that the choice was not a whim and u have thought about it so tell/show him the other options and cost of alternatives - which helps teach them how expensive things r
    hope the spreadsheet helps - I had a white board with budget guess for each thing and actual cost of each thing

  7. #7
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    This has been such a helpful thread for me - good advice ladies. I am glad your other half has calmed down, gstew. I am quite a practical sort of person and when we got engaged I swore we wouldn't spend more than £15,000 on the wedding day but you quickly realise how difficult that is if you want to have a proper meal and some wine on the tables and so on! My fiancé is fine about everything cost wise, and HE knows I am not demanding fireworks and a 6 tier cake and a fleet of rolls Royce cars and a £3000 dress but try telling that to his mum! He told them our budget and they actually scoffed and did the whole 'eyes popping' thing. It is very frustrating, not least because they are not paying for any of it!! They have not been involved in anything to do with the wedding (finding a venue, band, caterer, church) so they just don't realise how much things cost. I think they are stuck in the 1970s and thinking of how much their own wedding cost!

  8. #8
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    £15k is not a lot when it comes to big weddings. I think it just shows that you are more in touch with the costs involved. I'm not an extravagant person and I don't want a big celebrity style wedding. However, keeping costs at £15k is tough. We've been very frugal with things, we made our own invitations and a lot of my accessories have come second hand. My bridesmaids dresses are from the high street (on sale!) and I'm also making our favours.

    My dress was £1500, which was my budget. I love it completely, but it took my mother a month to get over the shock of the price. I tried to explain to her that £1500 for a wedding dress is not bad at all! This is another example of how someone can become quite unrealistic about costs, with little experience of weddings. Many of us spend years dreaming and planning our weddings so we know what they cost!

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