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Thread: Plus ones and family tension

  1. #1
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    Default Plus ones and family tension

    Hello

    Please help. Been sitting in tears tonight after H2Bs parents have been to visit us following a wee family dilemma. After so much time finalising our day guest list (we added a few extras on to allow for any declines etc it turns out we have over invited etc but that's not our main problem) and we finally sending out the day invites 2 weeks ago. H2Bs parents called him tonight as they have been contacted by my H2Bs uncle/auntie/cousin wondering why H2Bs cousins girlfriend hasn't been invited to the whole day. They still live with their parents and are only in their late teens but have been together together a long time. It was agreed at the beginning we couldn't invite cousins plus 1s because of capacity and also because we simply don't know her and have never spoke to her. This has caused a massive family feud as now the auntie/uncle/cousins might not attend because this lassie isn't invited to the whole day and H2Bs parents are extremely angry with us, and to quote "disgusted" we haven't invited her to the whole day. But despite repeatedly telling them we are way over our headcount and physically cannot add a single person they are still adamant this girl comes. As I say neither of us know her or speak to her and personally I only want people who are close to us to share the intimate part of the day. I have no problems with her coming at night but that doesn't even seem good enough. Please help!!!!!

  2. #2
    Senior Member littleteapot's Avatar
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    I think you're completely right. I wouldn't want anyone I didn't know there, especially at the expense of people I know and love. We are quite hemmed in by the size of our dining room so used that to limit our guest list. We slightly over-invited as well and have come up against two difficult situations - one on each side. It's really horrible and I'm so sorry you're being made to feel like you've done something wrong, and that strong words like "disgusted" are being used. I can't imagine being offended at not being invited to a stranger's wedding. What does your H2B make of it all? How well do his parents even know this girl? I think an evening invite is quite appropriate (and also what has been the case in our situations - and always was before the issues were even raised, frustratingly). Have a wee talk about it, just the two of you. It sounds like the best you can say just now is that you'll see once your replies are back, and that's perfectly reasonable. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

  3. #3
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    We had a similar situation when my cousin's presumed their partners would be invited. I have invited 16 cousins so no way could they bring partners. I barely know cousins but they were invited as a family along with aunt/ uncle. Luckily my cousin's are understanding. My advice is for your H2b to call his cousin directly do not involving parents and explain the situation. If cousin decides not to come then your wedding us obviously not as important to him as everyone is making out!

  4. #4
    Senior Member Vic's Avatar
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    Hello, the guest list is a nightmare. I keep giving up and just saying yes-we now have 170 people coming all day. I wish I had been a little stricter at the start and I really think that its unfair for your H2Bs parents are being so mean. Have you spoke directly to your cousin? Maybe speak to them and say what a difficult position you are in for numbers. Hope you get it sorted

  5. #5
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    Thanks everyone. We were beginning to panic that we were completely in the wrong but no im definitely standing my ground on this one. Its not that im trying to be awkward or nasty etc - its the fact we cannot physically add an extra body. And all this hassle for someone neither of us have ever spoken to and i couldnt even pick her out of a line out of people...! It just seems so petty but im in total shock at how nasty H2B parents turned at us because of this and said that its gonna cause a massive family feud with the chances of people now declining because of it?? I dont know if its just me but if other guests knew why they didnt come (if it came to that) i dont think it would be me or H2B that people will think less of. Needless to say i didnt get a wink of sleep last night as i was so angry and upset - I still am to be honest.

  6. #6
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    I don't really have much to add but I just wanted to say you are definitely not in the wrong. I think speaking to the cousin directly is the best course of action as it doesn't even sound like he's been the one getting upset.

    Stick to your guns. It will blow over.

    Julie

  7. #7
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    You are totally in the right MrsAWtob. I 100% agree that if neither of you have met someone they should not be witnessing your most special moment.
    H2B and i set a rule that if you wouldn't feel comfortable stopping by for a cup of tea with either us or parents then why should you attend. And we've managed to stick to it.
    Some people just don't get the whole wedding thing, i had one guy come up to me at work and tell me i 'forgot to give him a plus one and he'd like to take someone' That was awkward. Even after i said 'well that would mean id need to add them on to my bus and buffet numbers and i already have a lot...' he said 'yeah thats fine i'll let you know' I was in shock!!
    Please dont let it dull your happiness at the moment, they'll get over it.
    Everyone has something with the families... i had h2b gran 'highly offended' because we hadn't invited her great neice to represent her dead sister. Seriously. x

  8. #8
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    You are not in the wrong at all! My hubby's aunt and uncle didn't come to our wedding because we didn't invite their grandchildren, DH's second cousins who are children who we have met twice. They kicked up a fuss with my fil but he didn't even ask us to add them as 1) they weren't paying for the wedding and 2) it was our decision who to invite and we didn't want any more children, especially so distantly related who we didn't know! So none of their family came and do you know what, they weren't missed in the slightest and we were able to invite close friends in their place. We've seen them once since and they were a bit frosty towards us but civil.

    I get really mad when people make your occasion all about themselves. We are only invited to the evening do at our usher's wedding - DH was slightly put out as he obviously values him as a friend highly enough to have had him as an usher and have them both at our full wedding, but we realise the pressures people are under financially and space wise and are just glad to be invited at all.

    I expect if this girl is only a teenager it may be problematic for her to get to the wedding just for the evening but at least you have compromised. If you're feeling generous you could always say you'll see how you get on with RSVPs and she can be on your 'reserve' list but from the sounds of it you're struggling for space anyway! I think you should maybe get your fiancÚ to speak to his family and explain the numerous reasons you have for your decision so that you don't get blamed for it either! Good luck x

  9. #9
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    what a shame you're being made to feel so bad about this. Its so tricky trying to have the day you want, keep within your budget and not upset everyone! The way we are thinking of our wedding is that the ceremony is a really personal part of the day where we are saying our vows and having photographs with our family etc. If the person in question isn't saying "i'd really like to witness them saying their vows" then they're not close enough to you, in our opinion. The evening part is a party to celebrate us getting hitched and we're happy to have everyone we know at that!
    We have had to say we can't invite H2Bs cousins at all as there is 18 of them and theyve accepted that thankfully. where we do have an issue is with a particular group of friends. They have been friends with H2b for a long time however theyre not close. they are night out every now and again friends, not lads that call to see how things are or what youve been up to etc. We have a really small group of proper friends who are like that and who we see often and who would genuinely want to see us get wed, they will be there. Our invites aren't out yet but we've decided not to invite the other group. All they want is an all day party they couldnt care less about seeing out ceremony and when we're talking around 10 additional people.. need to consider budget! Sorry, I've ranted, just sympathizing with you and hoping that helps somewhat! xx

  10. #10
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    This sort of thing makes me so angry!
    You and your h2b are the ones who decide who comes to YOUR wedding, you wouldn't normally take this girl out for dinner and pay over 50 quid for her food and drink so why should you do it on your wedding day?? You don't know her so why would auntie uncle n cousin think she would be invited.....and to say they are disgusted is just ridiculous!
    Other people make weddings stressful, not the bride or groom! I'd say don't back down! X

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