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Thread: I seriously need some help. Wedding about to be cancelled.

  1. #1
    misslyndsey
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    Unhappy I seriously need some help. Wedding about to be cancelled.

    My fiance has just told me that my male friend cannot attend our wedding because he's an "ex". I explained to my OH that it was a 6 week fling over 14 years ago and that we'd been friends ever since: he's like my brother. I should add that he's very happy with his girlfriend and expecting their first child in 6 months! A whirlwind romance for them both and I couldn't be more happy for them.

    He's now saying there will be no wedding. I have to say that over the last few months my OH has been very insecure and jealous about a number of things like my career (I travel all over the world a lot), that i've hired a male personal trainer to get fit, etc etc . The list goes on. But for me, this is one push too many. I've tried hard to reassure him but I'm changing my behaviours as much as I can so I don't upset him, but there comes a point where I have to put my happiness first. The sad part for me is that I've never been unfaithful to anyone in my life and never will. It's happened to me far too many times and my own parents split when I was 5 due to my Mother's infidelity with the man I now call Dad (he's amazing).

    I'm no angel to live with btw. I have so many bad points, but we all do, so please don't think I'm writing this with a halo over my head. I've had trust issues with my OH too, especially as it relates to two women and three kids, as well as some other things.

    He says nobody should be at the wedding that we've slept with, yet the product of his last relationship (his 6 year old daughter) sleeps in my guest room every other week and he has two other kids to another woman. It's very difficult for me to deal with that and the communication he has to constantly have with a rather recent ex, yet I can't have my friend of 13 years at our wedding? To put you in the picture, I don't have kids and never wanted them, so I've really had to overcome some of my own demons around children but he's been worth it: until now.

    I spoke to 2-3 real alpha males to get their take on it and I was surprised that they said that my OH was being silly. They said they could see his point a little, but that 14 years was a bloody long time ago. What shocked me more is that my Dad who's as alpha male as they come and "men and women can't have platonic relationships" has said that he understands my OH but that he's stretching this too far and being a tad silly. My OH just keeps insisting I must still have feelings for him if I want my friend there more than him. I can't reason with this childish and insecure behaviour. For the record, I have always said I'd be happy to meet the Mum of his 6 year old daughter as I think it's important to have some sort of relationship with her if I'm in her daughter's life, but one min he said "yes when the time is right", now he's refusing saying "he wouldn't put me through that". I'm like wtf? We're 37 and 40, not 17. I don't get this.


    Has anyone got any advice for me? I have no energy left and just think it's time to walk away. I'm so heartbroken.

    Lyndsey

  2. #2
    misslyndsey
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rika View Post
    I don't really get where he's coming from. My ex of 4 years (we lived together for a while) is coming to our wedding. He was originally friends with my H2B so suppose it's a bit different. Surely if you were trying to keep your ex/ friend away from the wedding, that would ring more alarm bells?! Sounds a little bit like your other half may have other issues going on right now and is using this situation as an excuse. Lots of people have wobbles during engagement. I certainly have! Give yourselves some time to think and then talk things through. At the end of the day, only you can make the decision to be with this guy forever and if he doesn't make you happy....
    I'm just in shock that it's come to this. My friends mean the world to me, as does my OH of course. I didn't have the easiest childhood, so as an adult my close friends were like my family. I sometimes get paranoid and think he's projecting all this onto me because he's up to no good! Then I drink a peppermint tea, cuddle the cats and feel a bit better again. I just can't believe that 9 months before the wedding this is happening. They say you learn a lot about yourself and each other during this process, well I'm not liking what I'm learning. My gut is saying something is very wrong.

  3. #3
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    Lyndsey this is so hard as I can't understand the jealousy. As you've said it was a short term relationship a loooooong time ago so why the jealousy now. You've not said how long you've been together so it seems odd to me he's not raised the issue of your friendship before. Perhaps as Rika said he's having bigger issues & acting out around this.

    The he run up to a wedding can be stressful but issues like this shouldn't be rearing a rather ugly head. With all his baggage of children/exes (sorry as I don't mean that to be disrespectful) he should understand people move on! I think if you love each other then potentially you can work it out. Jealousy is an evil thing in a relationship but maybe some honest discussion can help. Or even counselling? I can't imagine what you're going through but my only advice would be to not be rash in cancelling the wedding or breaking up. Try to work through all the issues. Good luck

  4. #4
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    Gosh Lyndsey this does not sound good but you need to think long and hard about what you want. Weddings do bring out the crazy in people but you need to find out if its the wedding or if there's something else going on. Don't make any quick decisions - take your time and think with your heart xxx

  5. #5
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    Good advice from Creevy.
    Does seem odd that he's only bringing this up now & isn't being more understanding given his circumstances with exes being a constant due to kids. I'll be honest, I'm not great with the thought of my OH exes but I've said that from the start. He's from a small town so everyone we bump into always seems to have a connection & it just bugs me but.. I'm big enough to leave it at that, an annoyance. It's a tough situation you're in, I think you need to address why this friend/ex is only a problem now. I presume your OH has been in his company before now?
    I hope given that you've agreed to marry you have a strong enough love that you can sit down & get to the bottom of this. Always trust your gut feeling though, it never let's you down.
    Good luck Hun xx

  6. #6
    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    Wow this is a serious problem and I feel so sorry for you. Wedding's do bring out strange things in people, I don't think my OH & I have had a row in our past 6 years and in the run up to this wedding are having about 3 a day, it's so difficult. However, jealous of your personal trainer? and someone you slept with 14 years ago? I'm sorry, I think you have every right to be starting to hear alarm bells ring. Everyone's *slightly* jealous of OH 's exes, of course, but considering it was so long ago and SO shortlived, I don't think I can give him this one...And jealous you travel for your career?! Please.

    BUT do not do anything rash. You obviously love him and have sacrificed for him to be in your life. I would continue planning as if your friend IS coming, and if he brings it up again then maybe that is the time for a talk about all of this. Bringing it up out of the blue might just create a dramatic fall out and you both do something silly like break up.

    From experience, jealousy is an ugly emotion. Once you start even thinking about cutting friends out of your life, and changing your career for someone etc, you really may as well be their property, and that is never ever good. Only you know your relationship though, go with your gut.

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