I need major help with inlaws!(and BM)

[hydrogirl]

Right this a long one lol
My BM is my H2B sister, we got engaged in feb 2013 and getting married in feb 2014, she bought her dress in april 2013 and sent me an email of her wearing it (i was away with work at the time), i was a bit upset as the dress she chose was not the dress i chose, also it was grey and my theme is black and white, also i did not have my dress!
by the time i got to see the dress it was too late to return it (as it just from coast not the special designer dress i had chosen) and it looks slightly purply (and like a nightie), but her mother and her were in love and told me repeatedly that this is the dress etc.... i didnt know what to say i was just in shock, she is 21 and i am 25 but she acts like she is 15. my h2b asked me just to accept it to keep the peace and i said ok but my one condition was that she had to wear flats as she is taller than me and the dress skims the floor with no shoes on.
fast forward i am repeatedly told by the MIL that everything now need to match the SIL dress (shes my only BM due to me moving around lots) which im not happy with. in october 2013 i finally found my dress! and last night i had to go round to see them (H2B was on stag) as it was MILs birthday.
i get told they have already bought the shoes which r a 3 inch heel and have decided on hair and i was told that i need to adujst my hair to match - fumming at this point. i am short dark haired and not fantistic to look at and also have weight problem whereas SIL is tall skinny and blonde i atleast wanted to take away the tall on the day!

i have no idea how to tactfully tell them where to go without upsetting my H2B and causing another family fallout

right now for the MIL and FIL problems, in august 2013 i had arranged a get together (the second one since feb) to arrange money, budget, guest list etc with both sets fo parents and me and H2B.

INLAWS were rude and sharp with my parents and sooo not happy, telling parents i will not be having black anywhere as it need to match my SIL. i also announced that i had commited to a bigger package for guests than orginally planned (75 to 120 as both sides wanted extra and at £50 a head it was cheaper to pay the extra £1000 and get the extras that also came with the package), they went down like a lead ballon

MIL and SIL constantly called and texted H2B about this saying they r not happy etc, he kept it to himself but i could tell there was something wrong so made him tell me. so we decided to go round to ask exactly y they were not happy....

well we sat and sat and nobody said anything and after an hour i just said look is there something u have a problem with about the wedding?!(im a grab the bull with the horns kinda girl) then the MIL goes mental saying i had no right to book the bigger package (both parents r contributing largely to wedding but equal amounts) and y did i tell them etc (i warned them before the meeting for both sets) and aparently i had no right to organise anything about the wedding without the inlaws approval, and that everything needs to be run by them first (my parents r relaxed and have let me and H2B organise everything ourselves - the only thing that wasnt a joint decision was my dress and BMs dress tho neither of us had a say in that)
i got told that i am selfish as im an only child (anyone who knows me would never say that in a million years) and told i was conspiring with my mother (who was out of the loop as much as MIL), that i hadent gotten them involved (aparently showing them dresses including BM dresses, cake pictures, and cake samples, invitation samples, pictures of themes, showing photographer options and helping the MIL choose her outfit does not count)
i tried very hard to be reasonabe and said look at the end of the day when its ur daughters turn you will get the chance to control that wedding and no offence but normally wedding are meant to be about the bride, she replied that when it came to her daughters turn she would have to share it again (like hell!) and that how dare i make say that the wedding is all about me, its not about u! (silly me aprently im just a guest and i also somehow said something different) and she didnt know anything, was just suposed to turn up like a guest!? thats aprently not the right ettiqute (i have since researched this and asked people and it sort of is)
h2b was not happy but more upset, MIL was shouting at me and i tried to keep it together (i talked in dull monatone voice like u do with irate people to try and calm themm down - it didnt work) but there was too much personal attacks and walked out crying (which was hard as i had injured my back 2 weeks previous) H2B calmed me down and asked me to come back inside which eventually i did and said sorry if there was any confusion, she replied well im sorry for shouting (not for what she said tho) then said its all water under the bridge now
i was livid and still am
she demands that we come over for dinner every week (which i have avoided as she acts like nothing happend and it has destroyed my view on the wedding) but i have went round a few times for H2B ( just so u know both parents live within 5-10 miles and since i moved out at 17 and have lived away for most of life i want to spend time with my parents whereas H2B never left home until me) so a little unfair

i dont know what to do (im not allowed to organise anything without their approval yet SIL can buy entrire BM outfit without my opinion) and the shoes!

im stressed and pissed off and fed up (since the start of august i have changed my job twice, moved twice, cracked my tailbone, and had this to deal with and plan the wedding) i have less than 3 months to go and im just at a loss

p.s. sorry for the terrible spelling!

[hydrogirl]

forgot to say - i also said that i didnt want kids at wedding (except cousins or cousins kids) which is aprently unacceptable as MIL has invited friends who H2B has never met and already invited their kinds and they might not be able to find a babysitter!
if my side were to invite all their kids there would b like 20 and H2B best friends are not brining their kids as they r not invited

also when i told her numbers 60 (after her saying she doesnt know that many people - tho previously wanting more) she gave me a list of 65 back, all spelt wrong etc i.e. huge instead of hugh. and SIL has been given 3 friend spaces whereas im having to cut freinds as family for MILs work friends how dont knoe H2B

[WhyteNFrosty]

Could you elope? You want to look back at your wedding with good memories and with all the planning too. Have the invites gone out yet? Seriously the Outlaws are ruining this for you. You most probably wont enjoy the wedding day itself because you are worried about Ma Outlaw ruining the day for you.

Seriously - cancel the big day. Find an alternative venue (to hell with all costs incurred at the mo) and just make it a lovely romantic day for the two of you. If necessary, have a big party later on for every one else.

Hope you find a way through all this.

[AFx]

Couldn't read and run. It def sounds like your not being able to enjoy the wedding planning process and that's such a shame.
Good on you for putting up with them for this long! I think your MIL is most def getting confused with her part in this wedding, like you say her MOB time will come and she can pick and choose everything to her hearts content. Im with you on the etiquette of the MIL, i haven’t shown my MIL anything really, i let her know the odd things but im not planning on sharing everything with her so your quite right there! I’m with WhyteNFrosty – is there anyway the two of you can pick a couple of friends and go off somewhere quite and romantic. You don’t want them ruining your day and ruling the roost. You want to look back on this time as one of your best days, not have it tainted. Hope you get it all cleared up and something sorted! x

[hydrogirl]

Thanks!
tho invites are out H2B wants a big family wedding i wanted to elope in the first place as i thought it would be too much hassle to plan lol and that was before the MIL turned in to public enemy no 1 lol
i just want the day over with, which sounds really bad
when H2B and i moved into our new house my parents helped decorate for 3 weeks as i was more excited about the house than wedding as it was sooner, the inlaws didnt help or offer, not even a new home card (tho in saying that im still waiting on an engagement present- not that the present matters but the thought does)
the MIL is more focused on this one day thing for her daughter not even her son..... i hate her, actually hate her which makes me sound like a bad person but shes so destructive and vile i cant be around her
i dont want to sound like a bridezilla as im a laid back tomboy but i want to cancel it all (i cant tho) and i want to tell them they arent invited or that SIL is no longer BM which would upset H2B
if i start making demands they will lie about me again to people and do what they want anyway (SIL texted me to find out when she is getting her make-up trial by someone she chose that i aprently have to arrange that costs £50 for a trial)
aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol

[RoxanneD]

This is ridiculous!!

You need to sort this out now as if you let them away with it then you will have it for the rest of your life.

I think the first thing you need to do is sit down with your diance and explain exactly how you feel. Make a list of points that you are upset about and try and be as diplomatic as you can about it whilst still making it clear how much this is upsetting you.
Once you have him onside it will hopefully make it alot easier when you come to speaking with them about everything.

I know its a bit late in the game now to star changing your BM dress but you can still get her wearing flat shoes. Just explain that you fell that in pictures it will look better if she is closer to your height.

It is wonderful that they are contributing towards the wedding and will take a huge financial burden off of you, but dont feel indebted to them..... this is you and your fiances special day and the build up should be an exciting time. The last thing you want is to have your relationship under pressure because of other people.

Trust me, i have had serious run ins with my fiances sister in the past, but the most important thing is to get your fiance on board now and get him to start speaking with them (he needs to really stick up for you though with them otherwise it could make it worse)
The last thing you want is to have them get away with this behavior now and then they think they can do what ever they like in the future, and if you decide to have children then this could really cause huge problems!!

I hope this helps and i really feel for you but be strong and don't let them wear you down xxxx

[TheBigApple]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Your MiL is being totally unacceptable!

To be blunt I would tell her to back the **** off or she can think again about even coming to the wedding! Disgraceful behaviour from someone who is meant to care for not only you, but your H2B, her bloody son!!

I cannot comprehend how someone can be so horrible and selfish. It is you and your H2B's wedding. No-one elses!

Argh, I'm angry just reading this, god knows how angry you are!

[Sofee3]

I agree this is ridiculous!!

You out cannot let them ruin you and h2bs day! I think your h2b needs to speak to them, I know they are contributing to the wedding costs but it doesn't give them this right!! I'm so angry for you!! I'd be interested to know what your h2bs dad thinks about everything does he realise how horrible his wife is being?

[Walsey]

This sounds like an absolute nightmare you poor girl! My cousin went through something similar with her brother in laws wife who were getting married at same time and was her bridesmaid-she picked the BM dress without my cousins approval and wore heels when she asked her to wear flats as she's taller. I really think you need to get your fiancée to understand your point of view, then Hopefully he will be able to communicate your objections to your MiL more sensitively- they both obviously find it quite hard to talk to you without arguing. I would try super super hard to pay for anything else left yourself, take that power back. Do not let them ruin this for you! You can always go to suppliers few days before and get some subtle tweaks that you want, they would do it. Nothing sneaky, but just make sure it's what you want-or at least the things you feel are important. The BM dress I think you'll need to just let go...

[MrsS2B2015]

This may not be a lot of help but wanted to let you know some people get over these things. My friend went thru similar to you (MIL from hell and loads of rows before wedding) eventually her and H2B decided to get married with only BM and best man present at the end up her parents came too and they all went out for a meal. The wedding that was previously booked was cancelled 3 weeks before wedding and all down to the rows with MIL, fast forward 22 years they are still happily married, 2 teenagers, no regrets over not having "big" wedding and since their eldest was born have been on better terms with MIL. Not saying she's not a pain sometimes but then who isn't lol. Not saying it works for everyone but if it takes any pressure off then maybe it's time to decide what you want and not MIL x

[2015]

i genuinely feel for you. I think the best thing to do now is just not to tell them anything about the wedding as they are already accusing you of doing this anyway. if you have any sort of relationship with your sil take her out lunch or something and just explain what you would like on your day, how you see it. without her mum there she might feel a bit bad as it sounds like the mum is the overbearing one. explain your concerns and play on her ego 'you are tall skinny - I just want to be that person for one day' etc. she might start to realise that it is your one day! x

[hydrogirl]

Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions! i feel so must better at just telling someone about it who isnt involved but actually knows about weddings and has objective opinions or similar experiences!
I am going to try again tonight to talk to them about the wedding, H2B knows how i feel however doesnt really understand y im upset or y what they are doing is out of line as thats just the type of people they are!
but i need to go round as the shoes have came and i got a text from SIL saying they are perfect etc and she loves them. i asked to see them and got a call from MIL asking y did i want to see them?! they both think they are perfect so i dont need to see them, and also i need to make sure my hair matchs SIL for wedding and they have already choosen the hair, so i should give the picture of SILs hair to my hairdresser so that it fits in with the theme. my reply was just that ill come over tonight
i think i might actually be a guest... i must be in a little fantasy world where i think that the wedding has something to do with me?! it must be like being on dont tell the bride! lol

[AFx]

I really feel for you hydrogirl. What about tonight you go round with a picture of what you want your hair like and say 'well im sorry im sticking to it, im the bride and its my one day, you will have your turn as a bride and im sure you won't want your bridesmaids choosing their own hairstyle and before you have yourself'.You really need to get this sorted out before the wedding - will MIL and SIL be choosing your baby name, pram, cot etc?! This needs to stop! I'll be thinking of you tonight. Fingers crossed for you! x

[siobhan_flute]

This is unbelievable, who the hell do they think they are?! I'm not excusing their behaviour but could it be because you're so laid back they just get over excited and think that you might not mind? And because they think all their choices are so brilliant they think you will agree, especially if you're not a girly girl? They probably just think they know better, get carried away and think they should continue making decisions.

That said, it's inexcusable. They need telling! Could your H2B sit them down and explain how upset you are, that they really need to look at things from your perspective and stop rail roading you into dresses/shoes/hair styles etc that you don't want!

I really wish you all the best, as it sounds like you're having an awful time of it and there are sooooo many issues. Good luck! (And just remember why you're getting married, whatever happens it will be worth it in the end) xxx

[fran_says]

Ooft. So hard - the only think I can think of (just a suggestion as don't know them/your relationship obvioulsy), but could you possibly catch up with them on a one-on-one basis? I mean get MIL alone, in a neutral location (costa coffee or that sort of place) without the backup of SIL / her other half over her shoulder, and really try to have a heart to heart. Explain to MIL at that meeting that you really feel your relationship is being affected by the wedding, how upset you are, and that you're trying really hard but you are only going to be a bride once and things if the shoe was on the other foot (bad pun sorry!) and it was SIL's wedding you'd go out of your way to make sure things were the way she wanted, so their support in helping you get the day YOU want is really important to you. Sounds like MIL & SIL are joined at the hip, so maintain eye contact (to make sure she can't pick up her phone) throughout, and explain that you'd really like to have a heart to heart with SIL too (she'l get advance warning i'm sure!) as the SIL relationship is important too, but you'd really value MIL's support & friendship. Probably a lot of tongue biting involved on your part, but might help? Good luck!

[fran_says]

.....meant to add!: the neutral location means that MIL wont feel so in control - in her house, she is the boss, but if you've invited her somewhere neutral, no-one is the boss, so she is not defensive (as she may be on your property) and not as agressive and "in charge" (as she may be on her property)....but you have a slight upper hand as you initiated the meeting. Random psychology I remember from some corporate training nonsense!

[Miss_Gillz]

My gosh you're so right hydrogirl you do need major help with the inlaws. Couldn't quite believe what I was reading there and totally feel for you. The suggestions that others have made about meeting in a neutral location and talking one on one face to face I think is probably your best way of getting this sorted. I think it sounds like MIL2B and SIL are ganging up on you and it really isn't about them no matter what they think. Keep us posted xxx

[H41ley]

This sounds like you are in a terrible position. If it was me, I would be politely saying this is you and H2Bs big day and you only plan on doing it once. Make it clear you appreciate the help MiL has provided you with in terms of money etc, but you would prefer if you were allowed to make the decisions for your day. If the BM dress is not what you want, then there is nothing stopping you buying a new one. Its then up to BM what she wants to do with the old one! As for shoe fiasco I would outright say no. You had made it clear you wanted flats and they have gone against it, so make sure they know about it.

Its a tough one, but I think if you don't tackle this now, its only going to get worse and you won't enjoy the day when it comes along. Having the feeling of wanting to cancel is never good, and maybe this would be a good point to bring up. Make a point of it being a special occasion for you and your partner and the lack of control over the planning has made you want to run away. Bit f a shock tactic, but might work!

At the end of the day, if MiL wants her son to be happy, she will respect your wishes.

Good luck. x

[ashyanne]

Oh wow! No wonder you are fuming! They are bang out of order. As difficult as it may be, you need to sit your H2B down and tell him exactly how you are feeling. I had to do this the other day (and was it no where near what you are going through) and explain that although it is his family, I am to be his wife and surely with it being OUR wedding, it should be done our way. When he thought about it, he did agree which made me feel that little bit stronger with putting my foot down with his family. If you are going "solo" without his support you are going to get yourself more upset. Speak to H2B and let him put his foot down too! Best of luck xx

[hydrogirl]

hi guys, can i just say a huge thank you to you all for all your support!
i took a few of the suggestions and had a quiet word with everyone and went to see the shoes for BM, unfortunatly things didnt go well and i was called a bully as i asked the BM to wear flat shoes (as with my 3 inch heels i am the same height - im a shortarse lol) and explained that i dont wnat to look short as shes so tall and pretty (and other nice things) and the BM put on waterworks saying i was bullying her for being tall etc (even tho i said look its coz im short not coz ur tall plus her dress skims the floor without shoes) got shouted at and made to feel like crap by MIL, fun times. (amazingly told she will wear flats if i find a pair that she and MIL both like and are suitable to them - ha! then the waterworks stopped when i said i dont have time to do that so just wear the shoes u bought)then told me my ideas for BMs hair was unacceptable as she needs her hair up not down because aparently when her hair is up it makes her look shorter (again i was under the impression that it was the opposite way lol)
i allowed thhe SIL/BM to bring 3 friends during the day to the wedding and even though my RSVP was dec 13th im still waiting on her telling me if they can make it etc (i dont know their names as neither OH or myself have met these people and i need finial numbers and table pland by the 25th of jan lol) keep getting told by MIL im being ridiculous for wanting RSVPs from people and told "just pressume they are comming" rage! anyone else had that?! what is it with RSVPs?!
so yeah i decided that its not worth stresing over and i dont care about them anymore, i have taken them out of the equasion in my head and feel much better for it! all you ladies have helped me see that they are out of order and its really helped venting and getting your own stories!
i hope all your weddings go well! xxx

[AFx]

So happy to here your feeling much better about the whole thing
Hopefully you can start enjoying the planning process again, a good way to start the new year with a fresh outlook.
Happy planning xx

[Miss_Gillz]

hi guys, can i just say a huge thank you to you all for all your support!
i took a few of the suggestions and had a quiet word with everyone and went to see the shoes for BM, unfortunatly things didnt go well and i was called a bully as i asked the BM to wear flat shoes (as with my 3 inch heels i am the same height - im a shortarse lol) and explained that i dont wnat to look short as shes so tall and pretty (and other nice things) and the BM put on waterworks saying i was bullying her for being tall etc (even tho i said look its coz im short not coz ur tall plus her dress skims the floor without shoes) got shouted at and made to feel like crap by MIL, fun times. (amazingly told she will wear flats if i find a pair that she and MIL both like and are suitable to them - ha! then the waterworks stopped when i said i dont have time to do that so just wear the shoes u bought)then told me my ideas for BMs hair was unacceptable as she needs her hair up not down because aparently when her hair is up it makes her look shorter (again i was under the impression that it was the opposite way lol)
i allowed thhe SIL/BM to bring 3 friends during the day to the wedding and even though my RSVP was dec 13th im still waiting on her telling me if they can make it etc (i dont know their names as neither OH or myself have met these people and i need finial numbers and table pland by the 25th of jan lol) keep getting told by MIL im being ridiculous for wanting RSVPs from people and told "just pressume they are comming" rage! anyone else had that?! what is it with RSVPs?!
so yeah i decided that its not worth stresing over and i dont care about them anymore, i have taken them out of the equasion in my head and feel much better for it! all you ladies have helped me see that they are out of order and its really helped venting and getting your own stories!
i hope all your weddings go well! xxx

You have been more than reasonable and really tried but I think you're right to concentrate on the more important things coming up and not give them a second thought xxx

[Wynsey]

If i were you I'd cancel the full wedding and tell your Fiancé to stand up for you!!! I am so angry for you!! How dare they take over your wedding!!! You are the bride! Your MIL is obviously very jealous & bullying you is her way! And your SIL is being a childish brat. I can't believe you are being so laid back! My MIL tried a few "oh we need this & u can't not have cars etc" but she was quickly told in the nicest possible way that it was mine & my OHs wedding & we would decide what we wanted. Since then she's been ok. I think u have to be firm but fair and don't back down. Tell them u have tried to reason with them but they won't listen so they can either be supportive or not come to the wedding. I 100% think u will not enjoy yourself at your own wedding!
My friends in laws were similar & their marriage has only lasted due to him standing up to his Mother.
Hope u can sort it out before the big day! Good Luck & lots and lots of love xxx

[DLW]

You're right not to let them ruin it anymore than they already have, they'll realise on the day how rude and unreasonable they've been and should've tried a bit harder. See if you can get the photographer to crop BMs head out the pix to prove she shoulda warn flats (haha I'm kidding but would be funny)!

Enjoy the rest of your planning - let them do what they like and you do what makes you happy! You'll have a fab day with people who can't wait to spend YOUR day with you xx

[hydrogirl]

thanks! i think its a littl elate to cancel since its next month plus i want to get married to my H2B.
he has tried to stand up for me and still trys but their behaviour is normal for them - its nomal to be rude and shout etc for them so he struggles to c what they do as being unnacceptable
i wish i could crop her head out! lol but as it turns out i have suggested that she go to the venue with her parents not me as the MIL stated (at his grans bday dinner on monday after i asked her to think about combos for photos for meeting with photographer) that she will only want photos/combos taken that she will buy... and she wants lots with immediate family i.e. H2B, SIL, herself and DIL, and said she might get some that include me but her prioitry is her family and would at least buy those pics (not the ones with me) -cue her sister looking shocked and sticking up fro me (h2b was at toliet at time) i laughed and now i think its the best thing to send her daughter with her so they get all the family pics before i arrive so that i can spend the limited photography time for pictures i want with myself in them lol

would it be bad if i 'forget' the SIL's bouquet?! lol