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Thread: No children coming-and it's a nightmare!

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    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    Default No children coming-and it's a nightmare!

    Myself and my partner have agreed that we did not want children at our wedding, we have been to many recent weddings that have just been torturous because toddlers have run up and down the aisles of churches, screaming, tugging in the brides dress with no parent in sight to calm them down. So we decided no small children at the wedding-I have a ten year old flower girl but that's it. Oh my god has this caused major family rifts and I feel it's only just beginning as my invites haven't even gone out yet-I know when people see the 'no children' part (obviously written nicer than that!) they're going to freak. My aunt has had my mum in tears when she said my cousins new baby wouldn't be accommodated, it's just a nightmare! Has anyone dealt with this before, is there a more tactful way to do it!?

    I do like kids by the way it's just I felt everyone would have a better night if they got a babysitter, left kids with parents etc. and stops any tantrums ( from the kids anyway!)

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    OMG Walsey! I am so in the same situation as you right now.

    My partner and I made a pact that there would be no children apart from my twin cousins who are 10years old (and can entertain themselves). This is causing major hassles and stress for me. I have had one friend who I had invited to the evening reception now not speaking to me as I have said that her 2 month old baby could not come. But to be honest, I don't think it is the place for a 2 month old due to noise and drunkiness of others!! Granted I understand that it is difficult due to breast-feeding to not bring them but there could be ways around it.

    I have also had another friend give me a huge guilt trip as she says that her partner can't come to the wedding as he will have to stay and look after their 2 year-old son. She told me this before I sent out the invites! I think she was fishing to see if I would let up and cave in.

    I think that true friends and family will understand that you want the day a certain way and they should respect that. I'm with you, Walsey, in that I think parents and everyone else will enjoy themselves more as they don't have to cater to the needs of their children. I'm using the excuse that our wedding is fairly small in numbers so allowing children would take up too much room and mean we couldn't invite some other people. It would become too tricky to set an age-limit which is why we've taken the view that there will be no children, and that's that

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    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    Oh it's nice to hear others are having same issue! Families are so complicated at the best of times, and I think many have just taken it as 'well if my children aren't welcome, I'm not welcome', like they're having to pick between their children or me-and of course they will pick their children, it's only natural! But I totally didn't mean it like that, you're so right I just didn't want children mingling with, let's face it, drunk guests! Yes and honestly, my venue fits 110 for dinner, I have 110 people coming and had to seriously cut down my initial list, if everyone brought kids it would add on at least 30! I keep having 'you don't have kids you don't understand' throw at me too-I never thought it would be this troublesome!

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    I am the total same girls!!! I don't have kids but cannot imagine wanting to take them to an all day wedding! I was never at weddings when I was a child I think I was at least 15 before I went to a wedding! I find it weird how people seem to get babysitters for other nights out but when it comes to a wedding you get the my partner can't come cause we have kids!
    I am only having the kids who are in the wedding party and that is more than enough (3 3 years olds and a 6 year old they will be with their parents at all times and are getting picked up after the meal) other friends I know will be annoyed their kids cant come, but we have to pay for extra kids and it will turn into a nursery!!
    Nothing stranger than folk when it comes to a wedding but girls let stick to our guns here!!!! :-)

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    Super Senior Member tootsi4's Avatar
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    I didn't have any kids at my wedding other than my own nieces & nephews & someone breastfeeding their 2 month old. It didnt cause any upset. I can't remember how I precisely worded it but it was something like....due to limitations with the venue we will not be having any children at our wedding other than our own family. As so many of our friends & family now have children this seems to be the best solution rather than allowing a select few to bring their children and risk offending those who can't.


    The only problem is sometimes people lose baby sitters when it's a family wedding. I would be offended if my brothers never invited my daughter to their wedding but I wouldnt be offended if it were my friends or extended family. In fact I'd quite enjoy eating a meal without feeding a kid with my other hand.

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    I work with children, think they're great banter and have a lot of time for them BUT not at my wedding. My best friend will (everything going well) be breast feeding her baby at that point and I wasn't sure how to handle that but she suggested her mum come to the church bit to take baby out if it cries then she can feed through the day then once drinks reception is underway mum will take baby home to bottles full of pre-expressed milk. I was happy with that and I thankfully managed to avoid having to bring it up myself. The rest of my friends with children seem more than happy to arrange child care and are looking forward to the night off. Its such an awkward situation but anyone who has ever planned a wedding should understand that money and space are not limitless. I once went to a wedding where everyone's children were invited and they treated the bride like a barbie princess (as kids do). She didn't get a minutes peace from them and as someone said above there was not a parent in sight to stop this. My venue has restrictions on under 18s as well cant remember the exact time but they all have to leave several hours before the end either way so I guess that's a bit of a get out of jail free clause when it comes to telling people it's an adult only event. xxx

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    I've said it before and I'll say it again - if you invite people with babies under 1 who are breastfeeding and tell them they can't bring their baby, don't be surprised if they don't come. One of my friends just had a terrible situation where she was made to feel like she was 'ruining' her husbands brothers wedding as she was told that she could not bring the baby. As she was breastfeeling and her child would not take a bottle - she could not go. Simple. There is not a 'way around it' when babies are that young and not everyone has someone they can bring to sit around all day between feeds. As a bride if you care about people enough to invite them to your wedding, you shoyuld care enough not to make them feel awkward and make it possible for them to attend.

    I'm NOT talking about screaming toddlers, literally just breastfeeding mothers who have no choice.

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    But for a tactful way I would just say something like 'due to restrictions on numbers at the venue we hope you understand that we aren't able to invite everyones children to the wedding'.

    We've not invited all our friends kids simply cause there are too many. On our invites we have said someything like 'we'd prefer the evening reception to be adults only, but if you do need to bring the little ones, please don't hesitate to get in touch'. The last bit is cause we genuinely don't mind if a couple of people bring their kids due to babysitting issues or whatever but we definitely don't want heaps of kids there. We have a 2 year old but she will be going off to bed at 7.30pm! For all my friends with small babies I've told them the babies are welcome and a few of them said they really appreciate having the option as its very hard to leave them. I know none of them are the type to stay in the ceremony if they cry.

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    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    Well As much as I would like to accommodate high chairs and babies, I just can't, there is no more room as family and friends have taken priority. I also think where is the cut off? If I let a baby come, then when my other friend says they'd like to bring their one year old, I'd have to relent. And so on. But as I've said before, I understand when people pick their baby over the wedding. Some have said they will express into bottles and their babysitter will feed them with that, and they'll just leave early, which is so welcome and nice. Others I'll accept they just can't come. It's the ill feeling about it which is so stressful- surely people have been to weddings where there are no children. Some venues we viewed don't even allow children after 7.

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    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    And I have a feeling people we know are not the sort to leave a church if their kids run around and scream-drives me up the pole!!

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    I think if you have no room then its easier - if there is no space, theres no space! Honestly every single person I've asked if they might want to bring their kids - has said a masseeeve NO! They are looking forward to a good drink!! As I said the only excpetion is the new mothers who yep ,will probably go home early, but want to be there to see us get married and the meal, speeches etc.
    We were at a family wedding recently with our 18 months old and it was a bloody nightmare - she was exhasted by 5pm and I was glad her granny was coming to get her. But we were lucky to have that option.
    Good luck with it!!

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    We didn't have children at our wedding apart from our own nieces and nephews and they ranged from 9 to 20 but we did talk to all our friends with children and none of them wanted them invited, which did make it easy for us.

    We were at a wedding last year with our best friends and their two girls aged 7 and 12 at the time were invited (I thought they would be bored) and by the time the evening reception started they wanted to go home - it was a long day for them with not much for them to do.

    It is your wedding so your decision who is invited so in my opinion your guests should respect that x

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    I can see both sides and I certainly don't think it's fair for anyone to guilt you into anything. My fiance and I said no kids but I do think we might be more lenient nearer the time because there are babies on the way xxx

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    My H2B and I were initially considering having no children except close family at the wedding however we are getting married in Kenmore and most of our guests are coming from England. The wedding will likely be a weekend affair & we felt it was not fair to ask people to come so far for a couple of days & leave their kids.

    I am worried though, 2 of our guests are pregnant just now and the list of children is going up & up. There is also one child in particular who is very badly behaved and nearly smashed our tv while the mother was busy playing on her phone paying no attention - so that worries me too.

    We will not be putting children names on the invitations and hoping people will contact us to check & we can deal with it in person & try to highlight the benefits of not bringing children but feel we can't turn any away!

    It sounds bad as I actually love kids just worried about the dancefloor becoming a kids disco!

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    we weren't too bothered about having kids at the wedding but there are quite a lot just now as it is and we are not getting married until 2015 so we have decided to just say no. I mean where do you draw the line at the amount of children that can come without hurting someone's feelings as to why their kids aren't invited when others are? So stressfull trying to keep everyone happy no matter what you do someone will have a wee moan

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    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    Exactly my point, it's just walking on egg shells. I'm sure it will sort itself out a bit, but I'm trying to test the water before invites go out and you can sense who will come and who won't that have kids. Damage limitation!! I could see some friendships being strained though which is a bit of a shame.


    And a kids disco is so true exactly what I'm trying to avoid Sabrina

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    I completely understand that for new mothers with babies who are only a couple months old it isn't easy, but I would rather have sent an evening invite to my friend than not send an invite at all. I am not sending it in the hope that she will turn it down, I really do hope that she can make it but maybe this is were I am being completely clueless as I do not have any children of my own & can't understand how difficult it is to be apart from your baby.

    I would like to think that my family and friends would say that I am normally an easy-going person and very flexible but this is one day that I am asking for a particular request and I hope that people can understand but it looks like some people are struggling with it. I have one friend who is asking if she can just bring her 1 year old to the ceremony and then have her gran take her away but the ceremony is the one place that I really do not want to have to put up with a (possible) screaming child. I have tried to approach the subject with her previously and her argument for bringing her to the ceremony is so she can dress her little girl up in a pretty dress!!!

    I don't want to offend anyone and would love for everyone to be there but I realise that people have moved on with their lives and what I would like for my perfect day maybe doesn't fit in with their idea of a perfect day, for practical reasons or whatever. I'm prepared for some fall-outs over this but I must admit that I had never considered/realised how big an issue this would turn out to be when we started out initial planning!

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    "I have one friend who is asking if she can just bring her 1 year old to the ceremony and then have her gran take her away but the ceremony is the one place that I really do not want to have to put up with a (possible) screaming child. I have tried to approach the subject with her previously and her argument for bringing her to the ceremony is so she can dress her little girl up in a pretty dress!!!"

    Totally agree with you here! I have a toddler and the ceremony is so hard if they are not in a quiet mood. They are too young to understand 'sshhhh' or respond to bribery They do like to babble and shriek at that age. Why not suggest her gran brings her along just after the ceremony so she can get a photo with you all or whatever? xx

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    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    I Think that makes sense-could she not get dressed up in a pretty dress and get a special photo with you in your pretty dress?! Maybe give her some sweeties etc? It really is the ceremony that kids cause more problems and unfortunately they're not yours to tell to be quiet!

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    That's a good suggestion, thanks! I'll test the waters & see what sort of response I get to the idea of getting photos taken with her 'after' the ceremony! Thanks, girls.

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    I was in the same predicament last week. h2bs uncle lives in America and has no one around them to take care of their kids, so he was under the impression his parents would be pissed off if we said no kids. I have family all over and if we allow some kids to come but not others it would cause more hassle than just saying no. im lucky that Glasgow uni will only hold 140 people in the chapel so I can use that as my excuse and thankfully h2bs parents weren't fussed but my cousin has already made remarks to my mum about it even though when she got married she had no kids at her wedding? so frustrating people try to hold you to ransom over not having kids!

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    Senior Member Walsey's Avatar
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    It's incredibly frustrating, I'm not sure why people assume children can come personally, as I know I feel I'm making an important commitment, a lifelong decision-I especially don't want kids running and screaming when I'm making my vows, it's an adult situation they just don't understand how to behave in because they don't get the importance it's not their fault they're just too young!

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    We were in the same boat

    We spoke with my parents about this prior to telling everyone and my dad went on a right strop! He went on about how I couldn't do that to my aunt from London because I was a flowergirl for her when I was 10! I mean really lol ***128563;

    However since telling people (including above aunt) people have been completely fine about it. My aunts even looking forward to a weekend without her daughter lol

    I have still to tell h2bs brother that his kid is not coming yet so they might not take it great but like you said I didn't want kids running wild lol

    Xx

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    Quote Originally Posted by emma1109 View Post
    We were in the same boat

    We spoke with my parents about this prior to telling everyone and my dad went on a right strop! He went on about how I couldn't do that to my aunt from London because I was a flowergirl for her when I was 10! I mean really lol ***55357;***56883;

    However since telling people (including above aunt) people have been completely fine about it. My aunts even looking forward to a weekend without her daughter lol

    I have still to tell h2bs brother that his kid is not coming yet so they might not take it great but like you said I didn't want kids running wild lol

    Xx
    Let h2b tell him lol x

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    I tottaly agree with no kids at the wedding, you could always say that its for the kids and the parents benifit not just yours, asits a really long day for the kids to sit and do nothing which is why they go wild! and then they would need outfits which can be expensive then an entertainer might be needed. plus it means the parents dont have to spend the day looking after their child, feeding them and worrying incase they embaress them or stay quiet at the important monments, and they prob wouldnt be able to relax and drink with them around! x

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