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Thread: NWR - any advice?

  1. #1
    Junior Member kmac710's Avatar
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    Default NWR - any advice?

    I tried finding rules to make sure I was keeping to them for this post but I can't find any!

    Had a massive fall out with H2B yesterday. Found a lovely video of a blonde scantily clad female undressing and dancing in a bubble bath...and plenty pics of said blonde too on H2B's laptop purely by accident when using it. Female is not someone we know obviously, she's a big online star in that business. But I'm absolutely devastated.

    He had told me over a year ago that he had stopped looking at that kind of thing as we'd had a word about it, and as far as our religion is concerned, it's cheating. He has been lying for over a year, and been going behind my back as he admitted he hadn't stopped looking at it. I feel completely betrayed and worthless, and that all my effort for him in that department has meant nothing - as we're long distance, I feel like he wouldn't suffer along with me in our distance. It's really hard for me too not to be with him, but he has taken an easy way out when I've been suffering in it alone. What's worse was it wasn't even p*rn he was looking at, it was just one female getting naked.

    I feel like I can't trust a thing he says anymore and find the thought of any kind of intimacy with him repulsive. I love my man more than anything and want to work through it. He has said he never realised how serious it was until now when I told him I had to leave him, and has said I'm too important to risk losing and that he'll stop and even if I want get full access to everything he owns. We've been together 3 years, and I've never been with anyone else seriously and I don't know how to get past this. I'm completely devastated that he's been lying to me for so long and can't even look him in the eye anymore.

  2. #2
    Super Senior Platinum Member FutureMrsAdie's Avatar
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    To be honest I've never really understood why women get so worked up about their men looking at material like this. Nor have I ever had an issue with my husband going to a strip club. I don't see how it's different to us admiring David Beckham in his very small pants or reading fifty shades. The old saying you can look but can't touch. I would be more concerned about the fact that he had lied to me about it.

    With regards to your long distance relationship. All men have their needs and just because he's using this material doesn't mean he loves you any less or that you're less attractive to him. I'm sure if you were by his side he would choose you over looking at the blonde woman any day. It also doesn't mean he's not suffering too. There's only so much an explicit photo/video can do for him. It won't give him hugs and kisses, it won't make him laugh or provide him with any company. I'm sure it'll be these aspects he'll be missing about you the most.

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    Senior Member TattooAddict's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear your feeling this this. But i do have to agree with the post above, i don't not think this means your H2B loves you any less. I've been through this before with an ex, i didn't care about him looking at porn on the internet, it was the constant lying about it that made it seedy and just annoying to be honest. I do think you should sit with him and tell him how it makes you feel so you can work through this, at the same time i'm afraid this is just a thing nearly every man does and some women tbh. I hope you's get this sorted x

  4. #4
    nearlymrsT
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    I know you find it hurtful but as the other girls have said, it's just something that most men do. It's not real and in no way does it reflect his feeling towards you, so please don't feel like he has cheated on you. The fact that he has been dishonest about looking at it is unfair though, you both need to make sure you're honest with each other. I think it would be unfair to subsequently ban him from looking at it, especially if you're long distance, it sounds all very innocent to me, like my h2b referring to his 'other wives'. I think at the last count that consists of Scarlett Johannson, Natalie Portman and Kiera knightley. I'm in good company

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    I have to agree with the girls above. I'm in a long distance relationship with my OH being in the army and me travelling a lot and to put it this way we would have split up years ago if I felt like this!
    I understand how you could find it hurtful as the women in these videos look perfect but that's just their job. She doesn't know your h2b's name and he probably doesn't know hers.
    Again it doesn't mean that you have to look at it but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you but perhaps he could have been more honest? I don't mind as my OH is honest about it all and to be honest it's his buisness. I don't tell him about every guy I have seen in an advert and mentioned the "oh aye" a few times with my friends.
    Please try and see the other side before you make any rash decisions but if it is something incredibly important to you then a discussion is well needed.
    Good luck on getting everything sorted and I hope you feel better soon. X

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    Super Senior Member Wifey2b's Avatar
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    I used to get quite worked up about this before we lived together, finding thingings on OH's laptop etc.
    As we've got closer and more trusting, I dont really care now.
    It happens and as long as I dont know too much about it, its just fantasy.

    Long distance is hard and this is how he copes. If you had ways of coping Im sure your OH would understand. (50 shades for example!! lol)

    Speak to him about it and work through it. It shouldnt be something you guys break up over.
    Hope it all works out x

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    Have to agree with the girls her.

    I'd more concerned if this was someone he knew or 'had a chance with' so to speak.

    Three years is a long time, just to throw that away over something most people do without thinking...surly that would be the sin?

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    I would be upset and think you are right to make this clear. There is no point bottling it up.

    I think the others are right though overall Id make it clear I wasnt happy and discuss whats happening in the future so you dont find out later on hes hiding it again. But you say you love him and love can conquer all if you want it to?

    Xx
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    Junior Member kmac710's Avatar
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    Thanks for the kind words girlies. It has put it more in perspective.xxx

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    Super Senior Member MrsE's Avatar
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    Have to disagree with the other girls a bit, this would upset me too, the lying AND the material he was looking at. I am quite a jealous person and don't have a lot of self confidence when it comes to my appearance and my OH knows this, so I would find it quite offensive if I found him looking at this. Yes woman look at David Beckham in his undies, but we don't get off to the pics (as far as I know...) Looking is one thing, what guys do is another.
    You do have to work through it if you love him, make him aware of how much it hurts you and how much it upsets you, he should understand. You could always send him a couple of pics of you to keep him occupied if you are long distance....

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    Junior Member kmac710's Avatar
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    Thanks MrsE. I feel exactly that way. I wouldn't even buy a calender of hot guys because I feel it's unfair of me to do so when I've made a commitment to him to be faithful to HIM alone. And yes..despite pics..this happened.

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    I don't want to be too blunt here and I understand that everyone's relationship is different but what would you prefer, that he looks at some naughty photos and videos and diffuses the sexual tension building up (because lets face it, it does) or that he cheats on you with a real woman? In this day and age its a common thing for both men and woman to be able to 'sort' themselves out when needed. I think that keeping it quiet from you was his way of not upsetting you (I know not ideal but maybe the only way he could deal with it). I honestly believe this shouldn't be a deal breaker for you.

    I understand your religion is also an issue here and I can't really comment on that as I'm non-religious, but I'm a firm believer that we only have one shot at this life and to give up on a person you love and who loves you back for this is just very sad.

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    This is something that really bothers me, it isn't an either/or situation - he doesn't have to cheat OR look at porn. He can choose to do neither of them.

    FWIW I would be really bothered by the lying - especially as it's something that has a lot of importance to you. I don't know how you get over this but he will have to work hard to regain your trust - he's chosen to break it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by vintagebelle View Post
    I don't want to be too blunt here and I understand that everyone's relationship is different but what would you prefer, that he looks at some naughty photos and videos and diffuses the sexual tension building up (because lets face it, it does) or that he cheats on you with a real woman? In this day and age its a common thing for both men and woman to be able to 'sort' themselves out when needed. I think that keeping it quiet from you was his way of not upsetting you (I know not ideal but maybe the only way he could deal with it). I honestly believe this shouldn't be a deal breaker for you.

    I understand your religion is also an issue here and I can't really comment on that as I'm non-religious, but I'm a firm believer that we only have one shot at this life and to give up on a person you love and who loves you back for this is just very sad.
    Well said!

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    I have to agree with the majority of others on this. I would far rather my h2b looked at pictures of women that I know he understands are not 'real' as it were, than have him go off and actually physically cheat with a real woman. It's not a reflection on you, it's just something men (and women!) do.

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    Super Senior Platinum Member MrsSneddonToBe's Avatar
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    I think nowadays its perfectly normal for a guy to look at that type of material although in moderation. If my fiance was looking at it all the time I'd get a bit annoyed!
    I'm not sure how comfortable you would be, but why not send him a couple of 'naughty' pics while he's away? Nothing explicit as such maybe just you in nice underwear etc? Maybe then he wouldn't rely on looking at the other material so much?
    Hope you can sort this out and look forward to your future together x

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    Senior Member Kerry1987's Avatar
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    I think in this day and age, given that porn, and images are so readily available, it's normal for guys to look! I can understand why girls get annoyed/upset to find their partners have been sneaking behind their backs to look at the material. But if you spoke about it instead of just saying he can't look at these things you might have a better understanding of it. Now instead he's felt he needs to sneak behind your back and do it. I know my partner watches porn ! He's terrible at hiding it (clear history lesson wouldn't go a miss) but it doesn't bother me. It's perfectly natural IMO. But everyone is different. So rather than going crazy at him for it, tell him why it upsets you, and maybe asks that he respects it and tries to not let you stumble across it! X
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    Platinum Member Gayle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jennietea View Post
    This is something that really bothers me, it isn't an either/or situation - he doesn't have to cheat OR look at porn. He can choose to do neither of them.

    FWIW I would be really bothered by the lying - especially as it's something that has a lot of importance to you. I don't know how you get over this but he will have to work hard to regain your trust - he's chosen to break it.
    I completely agree. I think if it's something that you have discussed before and he is aware of your thoughts on it but he continues to do it then that is the thing that hurts. I would never do something that I know would hurt the one I love even if it is something that other people think is acceptable in some way. It shows a complete lack of respect and it would take me time to completely trust that person again. I think a heart to heart with him is the way forward.

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    Big confession here... But hopefully gives some perspective. My hubby and I often (separately) frequent the same sites containing such material!

    We both need our 'alone time' every now and again and sometimes material like this helps you with that! I certainly don't love my husband any less for it and I know he feels the same. These videos provide a service, and it's not to steal your man it's just to give him a giddy little thrill!

    I understand there's a religious aspect where you are concerned, but he knows this too and that's probably why he hid this from you as he didn't know how to explain.

    Just remember that these videos can't give him the genuine physical intimacy you can. It's just a hobby!

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    My other half and I were long distance, Ireland-Scotland, for just over 2 years and he was very open with me that he looked on these sites. I do understand how you must feel, but on a positive note he is not going out, meeting "real" women or cheating.
    I know for a fact my OH didn't cheat on me when he was in Ireland but he was regularly on these sites when we were apart.
    I was ok with but each to their own.
    I hope you're ok and don't doubt how much he loves you x

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    Thank you Kazia for reminding us that women ********** too!

    It's natural, it won't make you go blind, helps you sleep better and it's a lot of fun!

  22. #22
    nearlymrsT
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muckyfeet View Post
    Thank you Kazia for reminding us that women ********** too!

    It's natural, it won't make you go blind, helps you sleep better and it's a lot of fun!
    hear hear!

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