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Thread: I want h2b's gran at our wedding

  1. #1
    Super Senior Platinum Member FutureMrsAdie's Avatar
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    Default I want h2b's gran at our wedding

    My OH's gran will be an impressive 91 when we get married in September. She is currently in a nursing home as she fell and broke her pelvis and her home is no longer suited to her needs. Anyway, I keep asking my MIL how she plans to get the granny there and she just keeps saying "we'll see how she is nearer the time". It's now less than 5 months to our wedding and I don't think she want his gran to go. She keeps making excuses.

    My great-uncle who's 88 is coming to the wedding. He is paying for carers to accompany him to help out with going to the toilet etc. It's actually relatively cheap to pay for the carers. I thought it would cost a fortune. I suggested this to my MIL2b so that she wouldn't have to worry about her all day and will get to enjoy the wedding. She said his gran will get too excited and it won't be good for her heart.

    My OH gran missed her other grandson's wedding 2 years ago because she wasn't able to travel down to Bristol. I know she's really excited about our wedding because she talks about it everytime we visit and keeps talking about buying a big hat. It would break my heart if we had to tell her that we got married and she missed it.

    I don't know what to do. She's not really my relative so I feel that I don't have a say in it and my OH is just letting him mum decide what happens. I feel really guilty though.

  2. #2
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    To you your wedding seems just round the corner to everyone else its a million miles away so they won't think of planning stuff till a lot nearer the time.
    My granda is in a home and is an alcoholic. You don't enjoy yourself when you know you have to keep a constant eye on someone. Between my mum dad husband and myself at my cousins wedding recently we had our eye on him constant. My mum was worried about how she would have time to collect him on the morning of my wedding and get him ready and then how to get him there as we were all going in wedding car. Luckily an aunt offered to get him there and ready. My dad didn't drink (he's not a big drinker anyway) it was so his car would be at venue to get my granda home. Hassle maybe is the wrong word to use but it is what it is and can take the enjoyment out the day for someone when they have to watch someone constant. That said having carers ther would be a good idea, its a shame when she is really looking forward to it (my granda probs wouldn't have bothered had he not been ther). Could your h2b maybe ask the care home what they would suggest or how much it would cost to have a carer take her there and back and acompany her for the day? Maybe if he can go to his mum with prices and details and if you offer to pay it could make her feel more posative about it.

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    Hi, I think xlindax has some good advice there. When it comes down to it though, it is your MIL2B's decision, and I'm sure she will do what is right for her mother. If you push the issue and get involved you could run the risk of upsetting MIL and your H2B's family before you're even married. They've known her for much longer than you and whilst it's lovely that her presence is important to you, in this situation I'd stay right out of it and let H2B's family sort it out.

  4. #4
    Senior Member watson2b's Avatar
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    I totally disagree with what the other brides have said. I would have done anything I could to get my gran to my wedding but she passed away a few years ago. She was 91 at my sisters wedding, she loved the day and was even up at the very last dance despite her crippling arthritis which meant she needed a wheelchair to get her about during the day.

    My advice would be to wait a couple of weeks and then broach the subject again with mil2b.
    Good luck Xx

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    Hi watson2b... I'd have done the same thing, if it were my gran. But the point is, it's her h2b's gran, not hers, which makes it much more complicated as its her h2b's family.

  6. #6
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    I think you should be making the decision. By leaving it to the MIL she will be feeling responsibility to look after her. My H2B's father is in a care home with dementia (he is only 68) and we are paying for a carer to come, purely to look after him. He will only be at the ceremony but we feel that is the most important part. I would advise you to do nothing until a few weeks before the wedding and then address the subject direct with her carers. Although its not your relative it sounds like u have a close relationship so any decision is going to be hard to make but I think it is you that has to decide with your H2B.

  7. #7
    Senior Member April2013's Avatar
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    I think you need to wait and see, and without wanting to a dampner on anything alot can change in 5 months. Also, although from your post it you post it sounds as if your H2B Gran is full functional (excuse the term), at her age it may still be too much for her to attand; possibly the service may be enough. My two grans are still alive. One is 83 and still living on her own, driving etc but I have noticed that she stresses and worries about the smallest things now and is forgetful. We will have a room for her (and her sister) at our wedding so she can yake herself away from it all. I have a year to my wedding, and she is already stressing and losing sleep about where ther dog will stay! My other Gran is a different matter, she has Dementia and has had a catalogue of strokes etc. She has been in a home for 15 years. She is 93 and is as tough as old boots and will probably live to 100, but there is no way I would expect her to come to my wedding, even just for the ceremony. It would take far too much out of her and would confuse her (she only seems to remember who her kods are once in blue moon!). I know these are different circumstaces to yours, but I think you need to take a step back and think about it from you H2Bs Grans perspective. Would it be possible for a nurse to bring her to the ceremony only?

  8. #8
    Senior Member Mrs Miller 2b's Avatar
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    I have a similar situation, H2B's granda is in a carehome with dementia. H2b is very close to her granda, he visits him at least 4 times a week and we both go at the weekend as well. We are teh only ones that visit him now, MIL2b says she finds it too upsetting, even though she works in the same carehome, in a different area. Anyway, we bothr eally want him there. He is the only grandparent either of us have left and I see him as my granda as well. We have spoke to the carers already and they have agreed that if he is well enough theya re willing to bring him. All we have to do is organise a taxi with wheelchair access for him to get to the wedding. WHat I would say, the carers that are bringing him are doing so on their day off. They havent asked for any money or anything, they offered out the goodness of their heart which we really appreciate. Nearer the time we will decide if he is only coming to the church, the church and meal or just the evening reception. If he isnt fit enough to attend at all we have already spoke to our photographer who has agreed to go to the carehome and get pictures taken with him. Whatever happens we will have pictures of us on our big day with Granda. MIL2b isnt keen on the idea of him being there but it isnt her choice, he is a massive part of our lives and we have organised everything to allow him to be part of it.

    x x x x x

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    Super Senior Platinum Member FutureMrsAdie's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for your advice. You've given me a lot to consider. I'll probably wait till nearer the time to broach the subject again. If she was to come it would just be for the ceremony and meal. The evening reception would be a bit too loud for her. I'm happy to pay for the carers to attend with her. I was considering just asking the home staff about it as they have an even better idea than my MIL2b about her state of health etc, but I don't want her to feel as if I'm going behind her back. Maybe when we're visiting nearer the time I'll ask her to ask the staff while we're there.

    Mrs Miller 2b - I like your idea of getting photos taken at the home. If she can't attend I think we might do this although we won't have enough time on the day as the wedding is quite a distance away from the home. We would have to go up a day or two after. It'll give me an excuse to wear my wedding dress again!

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