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Thread: Dosn't feel like MY wedding.

  1. #1
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    Default Dosn't feel like MY wedding.

    This will be long and ranty, I apologise but I need to vent.

    When we got engaged in October we booked the venue within a few weeks and were really happy. We were going to use the outdoor activities centre we we had both worked in the past and where we met. It's a beautiful old manor building in beautiful grounds. I had caters picked out and room plans made and decorations sorted and had even roped in friends to help with moving furniture and things. I knew it would be difficult but wasn't to bothered. H2B agreed with everything and seemed quite happy and excited.

    The his parents got involved. In one email (sent to him with instructions that I was not allowed to see it) everything from venue, guest list, my dress and my education was criticised. H2B let me see the email eventually and I got so worked up and stressed I almost passed out.

    So I discussed it again with H2B and we decided that we had perhaps rushed the venue decision and while it would have been an amazing dream wedding, with his parents so annoyed at us and all the logistical issues, it would probably become a nightmare. So we switched to using my home church and finding a venue near-by for the meal and reception. Now I'm fine with this (or I will be once things are more finalised and I'm back where I was planning-wise). His parents, are still not happy.

    Apparently things would be easier and cheaper if we have it in Oban and use their church hall (H2b's dad is a minister). I live in Motherwell, I do not want to get married in Oban. They are being pretty insistent but now it;s not just them. While H2B does seem happier with the new arrangement and is helping out more, he sent out a load of emails to caterers, venues and bands yesterday without telling me. So I'm getting lots of random emails in today that I didn't expect and I have no idea where they're all coming from or what they are all about. He's also found a new photographer (after we had finally settled on one we both liked) who might be able to do it cheaper but wont be able to meet us before we have to confirm the other one. I'd rather not hire a photographer I haven't met but he's insisting it's okay because his brother says so.

    Add to that the fact I gained 2 bridesmaids over the weekend that I hadn't originally wanted (I'm not to bothered as I had thought of asking them but here I was told I was to have them). We've added 2000 to our total cost estimate. Oh and my own mother is still annoyed that I don't want real flowers and the supplier I had been going to use for the wooden roses has shut down. It's feeling like everyone else is planning this without me.

  2. #2
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    This is all sooooo out of order! I totally understand why you are upset!

    First of all, venue. Not sure where you are talking about exactly but if you had both decided on a place, somewhere that was special to you, his parents were out of order to criticise. Second venue choice being your home church, now they want it by them?! Doesn't everyone know that it's the tradition to be married in the Bride's hometown? I would not stand for this - there is no way you should have to change everything just because they feel it's best. Put your foot down and say you've already changed it once, NOT again. And tell them to stop sending emails and speak to you both, face to face!

    RE hubby and planning - it's good that he is excited about it and wanting to help. I think that was probably him just trying his best - I find it strange cos I have all these plans in my head, so when my H2B wants to do something I automatically assume it's cos he doesn't think I'm doing it right, whereas he just wants to help. Why don't you agree a system so that if either of you contact suppliers you note it down, and say what you've specified to them and what contact details you've put down? Then you will be able to track it all better while sharing the work.

    RE photographer I wouldn't go with someone who's pics I hadn't seen. If his pics are good and you can have a decent conversation with him on the phone that would be ok by me, but obviously it's whatever you feel. Just explain this to your hubby - he sounds like he is just trying to get your budget back on track.

    Finally I would confide in your mum/sister/someone - you need people on your side! If your mum is upset about flowers, let her have her way a tiny bit, cos then she will help you against his parents.

    Good luck, and let us know how it goes! xxx

  3. #3
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    poor you, this sounds rubbish I know you got engaged in oct but with Christmas taking up a lot of attention do you think that the h2bs family still think that it is quite fresh news and are getting involved because it is all so new? the reason that i ask is that my h2b and i had plans for our wedding but within weeks of our engagement plans had changed when my parents got involved. they have totally eased off now and i wonder if it is because it is older news now!

    i just keep reminding my parents that they have had their wedding so they have to let us have ours. we definitely have different views of what my wedding should be like but we have (luckily) come to a fantastic agreement that we are totally happy with. i dont you know where you and your h2b stay now but could you work out where most of your guests live and work out where most will be travelling from. we knew that our friends would probably have less disposable cash than our parents friends so it was important for us to be close to our friends. your family will always travel as that is what families do! i'm not sure if this will help but you could use some of it to fight your cause.

    unfortunately sometimes you have to 'pick your battles' so perhaps you will have to get married somewhere you didnt plan. if this is the case at least you could say that you have relented on the venue but not on something else that you have your heart set on.

    good luck and let us know how you get on...

    x

  4. #4
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    Your In-laws-to-be sound like the devil, never mind a ministers wife! I would give her a wee call and say to her its YOUR wedding not hers and to kindly back off! Does she have a daughter? If not it would explain why she is so pushy!
    I would look at www.bloomingoccasionsweddings.co.uk She does lovely flowers, real and faule. You cant tell the difference!
    Best of luck with the in laws, cos it sounds like you'll need it!

    Lisa x

  5. #5
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    Why is it that everyone but the people getting married seem to think they know what's best for YOUR wedding?!

    I think in some cases parents want certain things for their kids that they, looking back, would have liked at their wedding and so they try to force them on you. A lot of the time they don't realise just how frustrating they are being.

    Who is paying for the wedding? Because if its his parents, then they obviously feel they have a right to their say, and maybe they should have SOME influence but not all.

    But if its you and the H2B why do as they ask? Its YOUR DAY, then have it YOUR WAY.

    If they are paying and using that as a reason to sway all your choices maybe you could try paying partially or mostly by yourselves, or for particular things you aren't willing to budge on (i.e you could pay for the venue yourselves, then they'd have NO right to make you change it)

    GOOD LUCK, they sound hellish!

  6. #6
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    Thanks for all your support. I was starting to wonder if I was just over-reacting about things.

    The more I think about the less concerned I am about the change of venue, most of our friends live around Glasgow so this makes it easier for them. It's also a venue I'm familiar with so I wont be stressed out about getting lost trying to find a toilet.

    mrsshaw2b I think you're right and it is just him trying to be helpful I just wish he had included me a bit more.

    Hi family seem to think that we wont be able to pay for it all ourselves and think they'll have to pay for it all. I've even sent the copies of our budget and savings spreadsheets to prove we don't need their help but it makes no difference. They even phoned H2B to say that they hadn't expected to have to pay for his whole wedding but if we were insisting on getting married so quickly then they would have to (Um.. we dated for a year, for 6 months of that we talked about getting married, now the engagement will last another year).

    They have yet to actually speak to me about this wedding, though I have tried to talk to them. I know part of it is because they don't think I'm good enough for their son; I live in a council house with my parents who live on benefits, I'm the registered carer for my mum and study with Open University. So I have no 'proper' job and am not doing 'proper' studying. I also apparently don't dress properly (my choice of combats and t-shirts while on holiday was commented on).

    Going up to visit them this weekend as it's H2B's birthday so I'll keep you all updated on how things go. Can't say I'm looking forward to it.

  7. #7
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    I don't normally post on the emotional support thread but for you absentnormality I'll make an exception.

    I agree with all of the other posters - you need to remember that it is your wedding (yours and your H2 not your parents or your inlaws. Quite frankly I would cut them out of all the planning and simply send them an invite once everything is sorted. Tell your H2B to grow a pair and stand up to his parents. It is very un-Christian like behaviour! (if it was me I would be tempted to not invite them at all but then that's not very Christian either!).

    Also, it doesn't really matter in this day and age who is paying for the wedding. You shouldn't feel like you have to justify your budget or costs to anyone!

    You also need to stand up for yourself now or otherwise it will just get worse as your married life progresses (think kids etc!).

    As to where you are getting married - that decision is up to you. We are also getting married in Motherwell but we live in Bristol and have people coming from all over - Ireland, London, Dubai etc. If people want to come to your wedding they will make the effort.

    Good luck with the rest of your planning. Remember that it is your right to be a demanding bride and have the day you want!

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    Well, just back from a weekend with H2B's parents.

    We all sat down last night to 'talk' about the wedding, though neither H2B or I got much of a chance to talk.

    We were lectured on the need to compromise while it was made very clear to us that they want the wedding to happen in Oban.

    We offered to increase the numbers at the meal to 70 to fit in the people they feel need to be invited but this was just met with silence. So now we have no idea what they think about the plans we have.

    Still feels like I have no control over this. Is it to Bridezilla of me to just book things anyway and deal with the in-laws from hell later?

  9. #9
    Member amie301285's Avatar
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    AN,

    I would just go ahead with your plans and not discuss the wedding with them anymore. You seem really willing to compromise and are trying your hardest to please them and not getting the same in return, so if anyone has a case of the "zillas" it's your inlaws.

    Try not to stress, I know it's hard, but just remind yourself that this will all be worth it when you get to your wedding day

    xx

  10. #10
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    Thank you all for your wonderful comments, thankfully I think we may have things sorted.

    What I did't say yesterday was that the stress (and lack of sleep) got to me so badly that I had to be taken out of church half way through the service because I was in complete tears. It was explained that this was a result of me being stressed about the wedding but nothign much was said about it.
    Last night as we were going to bed H2B got a text from his parents saying that we should go back to having a small wedding and they would stop interfering.

    Well it's a mark of how wound up I've been that I spend all of today thinking I'd just royaly upset them and now they wanted nothing to do with the wedding. H2B phoned them tonight to check what was up and it seems all is good.
    They hadn't realised how stressed they were making me and have agreed to back off. They still want to be included but they'll stop trying to force and Oban wedding on us, they even said we can cut the guest list back to 50 (we wont be but it's nice that they said we could). And they've offered to match whatever we pay out cost wise.

    Pity it took so much to get to this point but we're there now.

    Maybe I can get down to planning my own wedding now.

  11. #11
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    Hey, I'm really glad it worked out in the end - but such a shame that you have been so upset until this point.

    Well done for taking ownership of your day and sticking it out to get what you and your H2B want - you are an example to us all! I hope you have a great day when it comes and that things improve with your in-laws.

    Just threaten them with no grandkids - that's what I do! Sorry if that isn't funny right now.

    Best of luck and don't hesitate to get in touch if anything else crops up,

    xxx

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    Thanks.

    I'm actually starting to enjoy planning now. Was at the hall tonight measuring things and disscussing room layouts.

    I would threaten with no grandkids but everyone is very aware of how much H2B wants kids.

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    Did I dare say we had things sorted? Was that before or after I ended up with 2 extra bridesmaids and spent a month arguing about drinks for the meal, oh and then I had that complete emotional meltdown that ended up with me handing back the ring and hH2B having to propose all over again?

    Lets start at the begining...
    I just noticed I have mentioned the additional 2 bridesmaids before but I'll expand a bit on it because it's bugging me. When Lesley and Claire were little thier mum died of cancer and they were looked after a lot by H2B's parents so they became like little sisters to him, which I can understand. When MIL2B said we needed to include them I said I had already thought of asking them to be bridesmaids or something (was thinking ushers actually but couldn't rememebr the word at the time). This was met with approval but nothign more was said untill a few weeks ago when H2B got a phone call to say that his mother had been intouch with the girls mother to explaint hat we were asking the girls to b bridesmaids and could we organise to take them out at some point soon. Apparently I was taken at facevalue and my 'bridesmaids or something' became a definate 'bridesmaids'. They are lovely girls but I had already told a few close firends that I was only having 1 bridesmaid because I didn't see the point in more. Now I have 3. My chief bridesmaid is paying for her own dress etc and I'm just dealing with ehr hair and make-up but guess who has to fork out for Lesley and Claire? H2B says it's all my fault for suggesting it and if I didn't want them as bridesmaids I should never have mentioned it. He got even more annoyed when he saw the prices of bridesmaid dresses.

    And then we got into an argument about drinks. We're having a non-alcoholic wedding and I had suggested ages ago that we just get still and sparkling water for during the meal and shloer for the toasts. I was promtly ignored while my mum, his parents and H2B himself went to a variety of supermarkets to try a variety of non-alcoholic drink options, most of which atleast 1 person hated with a passion. Eventually (last weekend) MIL2B suggested we just get some 'posh water' and some shloer and use that since water suits most people. H2B told me this like it was a new idea he had just heard and then wondered why I got upset about never being listened to.

    And then a combination of the usual pre-wedding doubts, the stress of studying and caring for my mum and planning a wedding, and my ex adding me as a friend on facebook all added up to me deciding I really wasn't ready for marrage and handing back the engagement ring.
    The only shining light in this story is the fact H2B spent 2 days talkign to me and telling me how much he loves me and all the little things he's looking forward to about married life. Eventually he proposed again and I said yes and I feel a lot more settled about it this time.

    It has made me look more closely at the wedding plans though, and at all the little areas we've 'compromised' on. The meal is twice the size I wanted, the venue has changed, I have 2 extra bridesmaids and the whole event is set to end 2 hours later than I wanted. (Oddly the only thing FIL2B and I agreed on was the fact the reception needed to finish before 10pm, so I had been saying that H2B and I would be away by about 8/8.30. H2B just confirmed the band untill 10 and the hall untill 11, so no chance of that then)

  14. #14
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    Crikey.

    Lets just get back to basics...who is this wedding about ?
    Answer: You and him

    Everyone hates something !
    Answer: You can't please everyone at a wedding.
    You can be considerate to a point but at the end of the day, its not about everyone else. Its about what you like !

    Life is stressful !
    Exams, work, families and the wedding are all major stress inducers. Take some time out 1 night every week to refocus why you are actually getting married.
    General answer to that is that you are crazy about H2B.

    Compromise !
    Yes, but how much ?
    Has your vision of your day gone down the pan.
    If answer is Yes, then stand back and re evaluate what is most importnat to you and regain control. You are only going to do this once.

    Good Luck, I am sure it will all turn out fine xxx
    Alison Tinlin Wedding Planner
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    Aww what a shame..you are having a nightmare. I was due to get married originally in the year 2000 and things got too big and we just decided to wait and now finally getting married in 2010, we booked planned and did everything in Aug, before we told anyone and they just have to come along..
    Goodluck x

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    OMG this is my idea of a total nightmare!!!!!!!! I feel for you hun!
    This makes me appreciate the fact that H2Bs mum isn't getting involved at all she just goes along with things..probably because she knows that I'll do it my way in the end anyway cos I'm a total control freak. Also H2Bs sister went on hols in Africa and came back married so she never got to plan anything for her so I think she just kinda sits back to see what I will involve her in....I'll actually probably take her dress shopping with me since my own mum can't come....
    Anyway...hang in there darl it will work out ok in the end.

  17. #17
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    I am so glad I have you all to vent to, and that you understand why these things are annoying me.

    With regards to the bridesmaid dresses, MIL has agreed to pay for them and source a designer for them so that's one less worry. Drinks choices have all been sorted so that's good.

    I just wish everything else was running as smoothly.

    Mum was supposed to start on the invites 2 months ago and still hasn't done anything. If she worked I would understand but she just sits at home knitting all day so I've no idea why she hasn't started. Maybe she's waiting on the reception guest list which no amount of prodding has made H2B work on despite saying he would every weekend for the past month.

    Last month I had a funny feeling that H2Bs brother was going to get engaged soon (we only found out he was in a relationship at Christmas) and yesterday, low and behold he got engaged. Hoping that doesn't give us any problems. Shouldn't though.

  18. #18
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    Seriously! You need to run away!

    If I felt like this I'd be eloping. To hell with hurting my or my h2b's parents. No one needs this kind of stress. My mil2b tried telling me that I should have her friend's catering company do the meal - I got a quote and presented it to her to pay. That was the end of that!

    I'm a bit of a push over normally but I've been really putting my foot down and made sure I'm doing what I want. My mate was bullyed into EVERYTHING and she has a real chip on her shoulder about her wedding. No way I'm being like that!

    Be strong, be brave and tell them straight. Men are hopeless when it comes to standing up to their mothers. I know very few capable of doing it (I've been around a bit so I know!).

    You really do have to just bite the bullet and stand up for yourself. Don't let bridesmaids get added on. Just tell them that whoever told them they were bridesmaids did so without consulting you and being the bride you are having your friends/sister etc. However if your husband 2 be is wanting female ushers, they should talk directly to him. That'll shut them all up (who's heard of female ushers???).

    Failing that, Gretna Green is a beautiful wedding venue - as is Cyprus!

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